How I avoid personal contact with fellow students using advanced evasiveness:

I am a student and I am anti-social. Being able to get through a course without speaking to any fellow students is an art form I believe I have almost perfected. For those of you pecker heads who are social butterflies and actually enjoy talking to people because they're interesting, you'd best not read on. If you have a desire or need to be in a human environment and want to minimize social contact then I have some helpful tips for you to employ.

Let me just try to explain why I avoid talking to people in my class. Generally I am not adverse to the odd conversation, especially when inebriated. The people in my class however are insipid, self assured, banal and generally un interesting.... as are 95% of the general population. There is nothing I hate more than listening to someone rant about their boring existence whilst I pretend to be interested. You see in the class environment, you cannot tell people to shove themselves up a sloth's anus.. the teachers frown upon it. So there is a specialised need for a tactful way to avoid filthy boring people. On average I like about every 80th person I meet, so it's best to just concede that everyone's stupid.

First define what kind of anti social you are. If you are genuinely shy and afraid of people then I probably can't help you. The best thing to do is to probably offer your corpse to science. If you don't care what people think, are social when you actually like the people then here's what I do.

I make sure I am always the first person in class. This sounds like a risky maneuver but it works a charm. I sit on a table next to the isle at the back of the class. The seat beside me is always defective or unattractive, if someone sits beside you.. not all is lost - though it does increase the degree of difficulty.

I always make sure to project a negative aura so as people feel uncomfortable to be near my personal area. A scowl on my face whilst I am peering condescendingly from behind my glasses helps in this effect. I also try never to look up, around the room... or responsive when someone new enters the room. If you make eye contact with them you are finished.

The next section is a 6 point guide to good antisocial behavior.

1) Never comment on anything discussed in class, as people being the narcissistic egotists that they are love to carry on the topic after the class has finished.. or even during. Most people genuinely think their point of view is interesting. What they don't know is that the other dick heads are just waiting for them to stop speaking so they themselves can add their one cents. If the teacher requests a response: Make it as intelligent as it has to be, but closed so as there is nothing you or anybody else can add.

2) Always make sure your appearance and hygiene is as poor as you can tolerate comfortably. Brushed hair gives a welcoming feeling which needs to be avoided. You don't have to smell.. that's going too far. Someone may even politely hint at it. What you do need to do is look suspicious, kind like Steve Buscemi in Con Air.

Inklings of mental illness or obsessive disorders also ward people off. If you order the colours of your pens in alphabetical order and straighten your books by the minute, you will decrease your chances of interaction.

3) Try to remain engrossed in something, or constantly busy. I make sure I am constantly typing on my laptop giving people the distinct impression that if they speak to me.. they will be inconveniencing me greatly. Why not? It's true. Carrying a laptop is slightly dangerous as hardly anyone uses them where I study. So if I stop typing people love to ask me about it and how great it is. This has happened once: A girl asked to have a look at my "toy" luckily I was able to get out of it without speaking, but it was a close call. It's not something I'd recommend to a beginner recluse, as it is an advanced prop that requires advanced technique.

4) Never take breaks. In my classes we have breaks ever hour or so, stepping outside is a sure way to find yourself in a conversation that boring you beg for a freak lightning bolt to strike your temple. If you must go outside, make sure you do so alone and look down at the carpet. Keep your finger on your mobile phone so you can pretend someone is calling just in case somebody wants a coffee buddy.. urgh!

5) Never laugh at peoples jokes. Mostly this is easy as they are as funny as having your nuts amputated. Although occasionally somebody will come up with something almost humorous. To laugh at it is to identify yourself as one of them, and that you are partial to the mood and theme of the class. If you're the only one sitting there with an expressionless face after a gag, people will automatically assume you are evil or a sociopath - both of which are good reputations to have.

6) Try not to stand out. Chances are you will anyway because you are the only person in the room that hates everyone. What I mean is do not wear anything unusual, or expose an unusual book, tattoo, hairstyle or any other personal thing. These are to starting a conversation what a primary school is to a pedophile. In other words.... if you stand out like an ass-hat then you are likely to receive comments.

If you employ all of these hints then you are definitely on your way to having no friends. So remember, only use these techniques when you want to AVOID people. Sometimes I drop these gems naturally... when I am actually trying to influence people. Make sure not to make that mistake. Though if you are absolutely certain you don't want a word from anyone at all.. like me - then this text is the next best thing to being as much of a natural born asshole in social situations as me. Condescension rules.

Comments? Email me