Simon Crean has to be the worst opposition leader in the history of oppositions. It was abundantly clear that he had less support than a child molester in a lamaze class. He actually almost makes George W seem captivating .... almost.
He scraped through a Kim Beazly challenge by the skin of his tiny scrotum yet decided to continue anyway. Only now has he realised that if he doesn't leave the Labor party it will be as successful as Pauline hanson would be in an Asian prison.
So Simon stepped down and there is to be an internal ballot but I'd like these 5 contenders be added to the poll as I feel they'd have a less detrimental effect than Mr Crean.

Top 5 Candidates for the new Labor Party Leader

5. Steve Irwin - If anyone disagreed with him they'd be fed to crocodiles, or make them touch a goanna on the nuts and that would be cool. Press conferences would be held from reptile parks and he'd fill the senate with cold blooded reptiles .. which I guess is nothing we haven't already seen. His policies would revolve around letting a bunch of snakes loose.
I'm not sure how that would help the Labor party but at least it would make question time in parliament more interesting. Well, he can't be worse than Simon.

4. A Homeless Man - That would be neat. Everyone would be dressed in a suit and tie and the homeless guy would amble in with a shirt that smells like Big Kev's underpants and a syringe hanging out of his arm. He'd fall asleep in the company of royalty (which is more than they deserve) and he'd beat up anyone that tried to steal the flaggon in his shopping trolley. His polices would be concerned with removing the tax on alcohol and he'd maybe stop giving rich people tax breaks.

3. A coal miner - Labor Party cannot be spelt without the word "Labor" and Labor our can't be spelt without the word "Union."
Miners are the biggest union adherents out. The labor party loves unions and as an added bonus... miners are cool. They lift heavy things and dig big holes and exactly 0% of them are homosexual. So if a miner ever had to fight John Howard, he'd win.
His policies would be primarily concerned with more strikes, unpaid leave and softer penalties for people who get caught faking a bad back for compensation payouts.

2. An obsessive compulsive, bipolar schizophrenic - This contender highlights the fact that anyone would be better than the current leader but don't dismiss this candidate yet. Lets call him "Martin" as an aid to the reduction of my typing. Martin would change policies 3 or 4 times a day and they'd totally contradict each other but at least it would give the appearance that he was doing something. During speeches Martin would be all dull and insipid then suddenly burst out into song and freak everyone out. Then he'd re arrange all the chairs into perfect symmetry and ensure the toilet would be spotlessly clean as everyone watched dumbfounded. Policies would be impossible to keep track of as they'd change by the hour but at least we'd never have to get used to a routine.

1. A Penis - A penis has several characteristics that I think would aid the labor party. A penis is determind.. once it sets its sights on a goal, it goes for it with unrivalled dedication. A penis can be hard or soft depending on the situation and that sort of flexibility is a good quality to have. A penis also rises under pressure, which is more than I can say for Mr Crean. The "policy of the penis" would be concerned with free viagra for all who need it and a ban on un sexy women's underwear... which would be cool.

So there you have it. Five worthy contestants for the top job that I think we can all be proud of. All of these gems of society would spell progress if they were appointed in any political capacity. I think we need more variety in politics, there are too many fat bald men and way too many middle aged women who apply makeup with a shovel. So if you're bored .... email this list to the labor party and see if we can sneak them in. It's your chance to vote not with your feet, but with your sent emails folder. Granted that the chances of my candidates being considered are approximately none in infinity, but don't despair, anything would be better than Crean.

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