They say everyone is good at something, sadly brain surgery was taken by someone else and all I was left with was acting like a tit. To that end I decided to find out if a lot of caffeine could hurt a person. I decided that a social experiment was exactly what you, dear reader, needed.

I researched it and found out that if you squint at it through a microscope, it looks like this:

I also found out some of the things it can do to you:

"Caffeine is a central nervous system stimulant, and is used both recreationally and medically to restore mental alertness when unusual weakness or drowsiness occurs. Doses of 100-200 mg result in increased alertness and wakefulness, faster and clearer flow of thought, increased focus, and better general body coordination. It also results in restlessness, a loss of fine motor control, headaches, and dizziness."

Caffeine effects animals differently to the way it effects humans. It really seems to do a number on spiders.

Here are pictures of a spider’s web before and after caffeine:

Could it kill me? Yes. But only with needles:

"The minimum lethal dose of caffeine ever reported is 3,200 mg, administered intravenously."

I started to wonder who conducted this study, and do they have my residential address.

Some of the really bad symptoms of prolonged caffeine overuse:

"Symptoms of caffeine intoxication include: restlessness, nervousness, excitement, insomnia, flushed face, diuresis, muscle twitching, rambling flow of thought and speech, paranoia, cardiac arrhythmia or tachycardia, and psychomotor agitation, gastrointestinal complaints, increased blood pressure, rapid pulse, vasoconstriction (tightening or constricting of superficial blood vessels) sometimes resulting in cold hands or fingers, increased amounts of fatty acids in the blood, and an increased production of gastric acid. In extreme cases mania, depression, lapses in judgment, disorientation, loss of social inhibition, delusions, hallucinations and psychosis may occur."

In my quest I conscripted the honourable "brother k" (friend and colleague) as a fellow lab rat to be tested on. The test commenced at 5pm on Friday the 23rd of June. The experiment is as follows:

Experiment – Caffeine and the Human Body

Hypothesis – Effects will include a heightened state of alertness with possible compulsive behaviour.

Aim – To document the effects of Caffeine on the body when consumed in large Quantities over a short space of time

Method – The subjects will consume 4 cans of Red Bull energy drink within 10-20 mins. This will be used to wash down 2 “No-Doz” caffeine tablets.
Warnings on the No Doz tablets include:

 “Limit the use of caffeine containing medications, foods or beverages while taking this product because too much caffeine may cause nervousness, irritability, sleeplessness and occasionally rapid heart beat.

“Repeat doses (one tablet) should not be taken under 3 hours”

Results

Subject A –Brother K

A detailed list of his symptoms in his words:

• Decrease in spatial awareness i.e. nearly knocked shit off my desk.
•  Increased awareness of every voice in the vacinity and decreased attention span. Starting to get a little parched.
• Non existent typing skills require more effort.
• Concentration is shot – typing an email has to be done in 3 or 4 parts to keep things together.
• Speaking is easier than typing.
•  I need to take a dump
•  Becoming somewhat more restless after the 3rd can.
• Find myself incessantly tapping. Had a dump, the toilet paper sort of looked like the shroud of Turin.
• Afternoon case of the munchies has gone.
• The thought of drinking stubbies now fills me with horror.
•  Mad Sophist is like the little kid at high school you used to smoke bongs with – lets smoke more, can we smoke more. You are as high as you are going to get, more is not necessarily going to do much. After the initial buzz from the first 2 cans, the rest has been a bit of a let down.

The fun didn’t end there. I knew caffeine was a diuretic, but this is ridiculous. Am trying to drink enough water to balance out the losses but am losing the battle. I didn’t know that caffeine would have a laxative effect that would last for a further 24 hours. This was coupled with an intense feeling of discomfort throughout my entire digestive system, like I had been kicked in the guts by a horse. After a solid 2 and  a bit hours of sleep on Friday night, I discovered that the high was by far outweighed by the low. For all the children out there, there are better highs to be had with a much better low than was experienced by this. Never listen to Mad Sophist is now a personal motto.

 

Subject B – Mad Sophist

A detailed list of his symptoms in his words:

• Feel like I can only move in short sharp bursts, even if I try move slow.
• Short range vision seems better, long worse.
• Clumsier with keyboard.
• Increased body temperature
• Decreased attention span, e.g. need to look at clock 3 times before I know what time it is
• Involuntary muscle movement
• Twitchy movements
• Loose Stools ( Shall go into no further detail)
• Rubbing my arm compulsively.
• Mental fogginess
• Skin more sensitive to touch
• Amazed at the number of patterns my mind can make from the tiles on the toilet floor.
• Inability to focus on one task.
• Want to repeat things.
• Slightly Slurred speech
• Voice volume not consistent with surroundings
• Numbing of right arm
• Stomach ache
• Mind focusing on background noises more than usual
• Started thinking and WORRYINNG about insect’s abilities to organise, and wondered whether competing ant mounds may one day form a group consciousness and start to threaten humankind.
• Feel like my body has cool and warm patches like when you swim in the ocean and you hit warm and cold patches
• Constantly refreshing my computer desktop for no real reason
• My ability to feel happy seems linked to whether subject b is happy. Suddenly care more about his state of mind.
• Exploring my workstation to find out how everything sounds when you tap on it or mess about with it.
• Very fidgety
• More excited by conversation, especially when I’m talking

 

Conclusion

I would not recommend this amount of caffeine to anyone. My stomach still hasn’t forgiven me, though I expect it will. Brother k however, may never forgive me.
The hypothesis was correct, but violently understated. Caffeine hurts.

By far my favourite bit was where I started getting paranoid about what would happen if insects all decided to work together. I thought, if the whole nest worked together to look after shit, how easy would it be to getother nests to unite for a comon goal.

You may be thinking this story would be a lot more interesting if we'd have snorted crack with a high percentage of dishwashing deturgent, but I assure you that caffeine can put you on your ass. Where else can you go when you're crapping liquid?

Kids, stay in school otherwise you'll end up trying to entertain people by using your body as a test tube for hurt.

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