It’s a bit of a cliché to put out a Christmas Special every time the season comes around, so I decided to write a Christmas retrospective. Despite the fact that the previous statement hints that I’ll be writing about the Christmas that just passed, I’ll actually be writing about all of them. Even those which have not yet come to pass, but will be shit anyway.

Firstly!

What are we celebrating and what is Christmas?
Bible stories detailing the shepherds’ movements in coordination with the grazing season and the birth of Jesus prove that he can’t have been born any later than October. Even the wording is misunderstood. Most people think the word, "Christmas" means "the birth of Christ."  By definition, it means "death of Christ.”

The World Book defines "Christmas": "The word Christmas comes from "Cristes Maesse", an early English phrase that means "Mass of Christ."
The word "Mass" in religious usage means a "death sacrifice."  So Merry Christmas means "Merry death of Christ!" 

Mass is the ceremonial slaying of Jesus Christ over and over again, followed by the eating of his flesh and the drinking of his blood. One for the kiddies.
 “Mmm this Jesus is good with Hickory Sauce, but his blood reminds me of that horrid 1992 French Merlot.”

The reality is that Xmas is about retail margins, materialism and getting smashed around a roast dinner.
As much as you’d like me to blabber on about the joy of the season, the pleasure of giving, I’d rather choke you to death with silver tinsel. This year I’m angry.

 I’m angry at the wishing tree. Not because it’s a cheap exploitative way for retail outlets to get you to spend money at their store. Not because Christians have no idea when Christ was actually born. But because of the degeneration of society. The wishing tree will be absent this year. Why? TERRORISTS!

People say “It’s sad that terrorists have beaten Christmas.” No, it’s sad that the media and the government are still whipping up this campaign of fear because it helps approval and television ratings. As clever as the terrorists are, I doubt blowing up Parramatta target stores will make a scrotum of a difference to anyone. The more we eat up this perpetual fear, the more it will appear on TV. It’s we who are to blame for the absence of the Wishing Tree This year

There is however, one thing about Christmas I like. It’s the fact that at some stage EVERYONE has to lie about how they love that one gift where the person fucked up. The gift that just makes no sense and you have no idea why they thought you’d like it. The best types of these presents are the ones where the purchaser has to explain to you what it is, what it does or how it works. Then when you find out, and all information is on the table you have to lie to a loved one or insignificant other about how you love it. This treacherous act of dishonesty for my mind defines the human race with disturbing accuracy. The point of writing this? Next year, the moment you receive that gift.. I want you to think of me and of how we all see through your little charade. You disgust me.

This year there was even an incident where residents of Maitland NSW complained to the Council that their Mall and Streets weren’t decorated. The problem was that the decorations were old and broken and needed to be updated. The silly council looked at the cost of replacing the decorations (over $20,000) and thought, shit… upgrading education and health services or tinsel and lights. Before I heard this I was happy to leave Maitland and its webbed footed inhabitants alone. However after that, every one of you trigger happy complaint line cloggers can take both of your heads straight to hell. If I took the call, I’d plan a highway to go straight through your living room you ass raping plebian.

Speaking of romance, every prick that sent me crappy ecards with Rudolf bumming Santa…. next time off yourself.

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