Watching ads on tv is akin to listening to an album by kylie minogue.... it sucks. Even worse is watching a tv show ABOUT ads. Even the "worlds best ads" still blow because they are ADS! But me saying that sadly isn't enough to rid the world of them. So if there has to be tv commercials can we please have some standards. This leads me to the point of this article.

SEX (see picture below) - if you're unfamiliar

As long as I can remember, sex has been used to sell anything and everything. I give credit where credit is due.. to make breakfast cereal or some other obscure item somehow related to sex is beyond my feeble comprehension.
Sex is arguably the most powerful tool to selling products, but where do we draw the line? I have a suggestion:

Diabetes! Recently there has been a television add that uses sex to sell a little machine that tests your blood via a prick on your finger to see how close you are to dead. The add goes like "I do it in the morning, I do it twice a day, I do it at work, I do it with my father... etc etc" Forgive me but if there was ever an antidote to viagra that would have to be it. That would send noodles limp all around the globe. People don't want to be screwing away then suddenly think of some jelly bean scoffing old bag. What's next? Will sex be used to sell fat people's underwear? Children's clothing? pensioner insurance?

Here's 5 Things that should never use sex to sell

5. Any type of food. I saw a Jerry Springer show one time where these sick bastards were getting naked and covering themselves in food. Subsequently I stopped eating for 6 months and nearly died of malnutrition. I still look at creamed corn suspiciously.

4. Anything that's target audience is over 35. Nobody wants to picture pensioners going at it. Not even old people like to think about old people having sex. Viagra should be banned. If you're too old and wrinkly to crack a wood then nature's telling you that you're disgusting and you'll only ever have sex if the woman is able to pretend you're someone else.

3. Men. There's this ad on tv which is just about this lame guy on some stupid american tv drama. It goes "He's sexy, he's wild, which ever way you look at him he's fantastic to watch." Something like that. I bet the guy paid for it himself. He's a sellout Australian who went to America and picked up an American accent in 3.4 seconds. Enough about him. Sex is about women, not men.

2. Finding my keys. I mean cars. If I see that seizure inducting kia rio ad again I'm going to snap. Some dumb bimbo stands in front of a bowl of keys like the whore she is then looks at the guy she wants to sex and he mouths out the word "kia". So she completely looks past a set of keys that say kia and picks up a pair belonging to this guy with giant eyebrows. I hope you get pregnant and die in labour. (character only)

1. Tampons. Tampons are about a sexy as a gangrene infested nutsack. They repeatedly use commercials featuring some dense guy who tries to say something coherent yet manages to degrade the male race by being excessively muscular yet feminine and dense at the same time. I'm alluding to that ad where the guy thinks slim tampons mean you've lost weight or something. Tampons are gross. What is sexy about a vaginal discharge of blood and uterus juices? That's right.. NOTHING.

So use your collective purchasing powers to boycott any product you'd not like to think about as you're about to get on the job. Together we can make the television free from things that turn a Penelope Cruz into a Margaret Thatcher.

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