I don't want to get into how and why I was dragged into seeing a Christmas movie, but because I am an altruistic sort of Sophist I'm going to save you the trouble of seeing one. In fact the worst one ever created - "ELF".
Here's the premise in a nutshell:
So santa claus runs about eating cookies and giving out presents, you know the usual. Whilst visiting an orphanige giving out gifts (those orphans get everything). Some rat little child decides to crawl into santa's sack. So of course the little snot nosed stow away gets a free ticket to the north pole. He crawls out of the sack and just when I thought the elves would stone it to death for invading their make believe little world of oppressive slave labor, they decide it's the cutest thing they've ever seen. So some 60 year old man elf virgin thing takes it in and becomes it's father. Of course, by the time he's 12 he's 6 foot five as he's not an elf... he's a man. The next hour is full of hilarity and laughter seizures as we watch him at school being too big for the chairs and hitting is head on everything. Holy crap, he's twice the size of everyone... that's the funniest thing I've ever seen. (Please god, strike me down this instant)
Then this retard outcast suddenly realises that he's different and goes to meet his real father dressed as a dipshit elf.
He spreads christmas cheer faster than the black plague, and everyone wants to kill him.
Throughout the whole movie all I could think about is how to leave without anyone noticing and how to contain my uncontrollable desire to scream obscenities at this pile of camel shit movie. I also couldn't get this scene out of my head.
Mwhaha, no more crappy christmas and dipstick christmas movies. Tim Allen will starve to death! Hoorah!
By far the worst part of this experience was the guy that sat in front of me. He looked about 25 and at first I thought his whore of a girlfriend dragged him in, but I was horribly mistaken. Every time the movie tried to be funny my stomach churned and threatened to vomit, but the "guy" (sex to be debated) pissed his pants every time.
There was one scene where this elf idiot was winding up Jack in the Boxes and setting them off to see if they worked. Of course the elf was an idiot and got scared every time it jumped out. The first time the guy laughed and I thought, ok you're stupid.. but so are lots of people. Not only did he laugh at it, he laughed his ass off every time, the same retarded gag three times in a row and every time he dribbled his own piss down his leg.
He reminded me of a monkey touching an electric fence then pulling away, then touching it again unable to draw the conclusion that the fence equaled an electric shock. I'm sure that monkeys are smarter than this guy though because monkeys can recognise their own reflection in the mirror. If this guy recognised himself I'm sure he'd either kill himself or never go outside.
So I was grinning to myself thinking that surely after the movie his girlfriend will tell him that he is the most retarded excuse for a "man" she'd ever seen and dump his ass on the street. Only when I went out to the foyer after the movie I saw them making out... yuck. She had a distinct "mail order bride" look about her... and probably comes from a culture where 25 year olds are accepted into the community even if they share a similar intellect with a compulsive masticating gibbon.
So apart from that guy, this page aims to educate you on the ridiculousness ofchristmas movies in general, but especially the movie "elf." I'll take pleasure watching Will Farrells career go straight to the shitter for this pile of crap and look forward to seeing him on some try hard show like Dharma and Greg where they are paid with peroxide and water crackers. Screw you Will Farrell, screw you "ELF!."
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