English Gangsta's Now, you all must know what an English Gangsta is, but I'll spell it out for the slow ones in the back.  English Gangsta's are everywhere, infesting schools, colleges, buses, trains, shopping centres and clubs all over the country.  I guess they have always been around, but only in recent years have they sprung up in such magnitude. 

I blame Eminem.  Seriously.  Dr Dre, Snoop Dogg and co are all responsible as well, but it started with Eminem.  Now, all you little spotty teenagers who want to flame at me for saying this are more than welcome to, but I listen to this music as well.  my whole cd collection is rap, hip-hop and r&b.  I think it is great.  But I am not an English Gangsta, as I have been wrongly accused of before.

 A typical English Gansta has the following charateristics.  Now, they are not all the same, but they....wait, no, they are all the same.  The following checklist will help you to spot these, not that you can miss them.  Now, before anyone who fits this stereotype gets angry, this is not foolproof, it is meant as only a guide.  I am providing a public service here, warning you about these goons. Aged 14-20Wears a hoody top, usually a nike one.Wears a cap (Forwards or backwards, it doesn't matter, lets not split hairs here.)Wears tracksuit bottoms (or trackies), with the THE LEGS TUCKED INTO THE SOCKS! I wasn't going to comment here, but I have to, I couldn't help it.   Now, I have nothing against pant legs being tucking into socks, but only if you are riding a bike with no chain guard.  What is this about?  Are your legs cold or something?  You want to show off your new socks? What guys?  This is a serious plea, please tell me why this is nessecary.

Anyway, on with the checklist:Wears shoes (usually Rockport) with aforesaid trackies.Wears a lot of jewrellry.  I am talking about three chains around the neck, a ring on nearly every finger.  yes, wear jewrellry, but go easy son, its meant to be a subtle decoration, not a goddam tablet of stone around your neck, weighing you down. They also have that 'ten-men walk', legs wide, arms swinging, shoulders going side to side, a 'well-hard' look on their face.  Don't mess with these, they mean business, that kind of thing.  NO!  You look like your constipated.  Want some Laxatives? Now, people are free to dress how they like, god knows I do, even if it causes people to reach for thier sunglasses whenever I walk into a room (Bright shirt...sunglasses....no? Ah well). 

These people annoy me. They listen to rap and then think they are Dr Dre, cruising south compton with a ak-47 in their hands.  No, your on a council estate in Rochdale.  Accept it. This brings me nicely to why I blame Eminem. Before his arrival on the rap scene, yeah, english tennagers liked rap, but they were not English Gangsta's, they were more like English Rap Fans, which is fine, as I'm one of them myself.   Then along came Eminem, and these Rap Fans suddenly saw that white people can be cool too. 

White people can rap, white people can wear their goddam trackies around thier thighs, thus showing everyone thier Calvin Kleins.  Suddenlly, teenagers everywhere began to listen this white rap star. But the transformation wasn't yet complete.  Eminem is not a gangsta you see, so they needed more inspiration, which came in the form of Dr Dre.  (See?  This article follows on so smoothly doesn't it?)  They then started listening to Dre, which led to Snoop Dogg, which led to Xzibit, you get the picture.  They saw these guys rapping about bitches guns and weed, and wanted it too.  They began to imitate them, slowly evolving into the idiots you see before you everyday.  You know who I mean.  Those kids smoking joints at the back of the bus?  English Gangsta's. 

Those lads sat on the street corner, smashing phone box windows, drinking cider?  English Gangsta's. They annoy me. you stroll past them, and they have to show that they are 'Well Hard' and they have to keep up thier 'rep' (-utation, you at the back, you can stop frowning now trying to figure out what rep is. Yoru welcome.).  So they have to come out with a comment about you.  Arrghh.  I want to wring thier little scrawny necks!! I'm going to have to stop talking about these guys now.  Its too much.  I'm getting all worked up sat at my keyboard.  I very nearly broke my ashtray putting my fag out just then.  Such is my frustration with these jerks.    But before I go, and you end your time on this internet and decide to some actual work, I have to mention the clubs. 

Now, I like going clubbing. Have a few (where it says 'a few' read 'too many') drink, a dance, get rejected by a few women, then go home.  But everytime, without fail, my night is ruined by English Gangsta's.  They stand at the bar, or near the toilets.  And they stare about the club like they own it, giving 'evils' to everyone, and trying to dance like thier Real Gangsta idols. (Undoubtedly failing everytime).  They are always there, making everyone uncomfortable, because you know they are looking for a fight.  Now, I am no wimp.  I can handle myself.  I just don't want to fight.  When it comes down to it (Which it does quite regularly, as I am a 19 year old lad, perfect target for these jerks.), I can swing my fists with the best of them.  I just don't want to fight.  What is the point, unless you have a perfectly good reason (Sleeping with your girlfriend, stabbing you, that kind of thing), it is pointless.  But these guys live for 'kicking off'.  it bumps thier 'rep' up that little bit more, bringing them a few more places up the rankings of the other English Gangsta's.  It ruins the night, watching your back for these fools. Looking over your shoulder at the taxi queue, knowing that they are about to make thier move.  They need to grow up. Well, thats me for now.  I've got this rant off my chest. 

These fools need to back off, get a job and buy pants that fit.  Hey, even a sentance without the words 'motherfucker' and 'bitch' would be an improvement. Get a life guys.  Or a clue.  Whichever suits you.  Jerks.  

Ste   ste@madsophist.com (Feel free to email em with your views) 

P.S,  Next Article Planned, subject to acceptance by MadSophist and my laziness:  Text Speak (or shoud that be 'txt spk'?)