Everybody loves porn. Cuz it's great. And it's value goes far beyond it's arousing qualities. I won't bore you with arguments about porn being the leading driver of technology, from the printing press to the internet, but let's just say porn is great. And yet, in spite of its burgeoning acceptability amongst the young, we are still made to feel shame for indulging in such indiscretions. But what's the deal? I mean,
it's on prime time in Europe. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those socialists who selectively sites the vast superiority of European (and Canadian, and Lithuanian, and Uzbekistanian) institutions over their American counterparts, but it's worthy of consideration.

They come here for complicated medical treatments, we go there for complicated fetishistic treatments. I'm just saying we could be saving a lot on airfare.

But I digest. Back to the topic: The Deregulation of Chest-High Waders and its Effects on Estuarial Mollusk Populations. No, wait, it was porn. Ah yes, sweet,
nonjudgmental porn. And why we shouldn't be apologizing for it. What is the fundamental offense of said offensive material? Is it the skin? No...maybe it's all those genitals! Yeah, but who really likes looking at dick and balls? And those super close-up girl-part pics in Hustler? Good readers, I am a dirty, dirty man, but please...those are really gross.

So the genitals argument (as much as I like arguing about genitals), is merely a distraction. Pornography is taboo because someone decided it was. And they weren't young. Say, who was that grizzled old erectile disfunctionary who, when asked to define porn said, "I know it when I see it." Yeah, I bet you do, you
disgruntled grave dodger. I bet you do. Maybe you're looking at pictures of young Asians in leather, wishing they'd whip that saggy ass of yours. So by logical extension, if you've had to repress your quasi-natural desires into extinction, then by god, everyone else should too. Or maybe the real crime is having a libido. Either way, it's generational warfare...and I'm done apologizing. On to video games.

I love video games. Try saying that on a first date. Or a first anniversary. But we all indulge. Well, all us fellas anyway. If you're my age, you probably grew up on Zelda or Tecmo Bowl (Pitfall or Pac-man if you're older, screw you if you're younger). Then maybe, like me, you rediscovered video games later when you realized TV sucks and you couldn't get high everyday (if you still can, god bless you). Most likely, your reinduction to loserdom came via such games as Tomb Raider or Bond. Anyway, we all like video games. And somehow, this has become more taboo than porn. "Why?", you intelligently ask? "No damn good reason!" I emphatically reply.

My analysis begins with an observation: The social indictment is on video games themselves. Not specific games. Yes, I know, sports games might be more manly than games that involve imagination, and mature rated games come under attack more from idiot mothers. But, by and large, the socially unacceptable activity for which I am through apologizing is the fundamental act of playing video games. And yet, it is perfectly acceptable to watch tired, cliched, group-think, mathematically formulaic buddy-cop-action flics.

Yes sir, no matter what your age it is perfectly acceptable to proudly boast, "Yeah, so I took my fat ass to see "Shit-Tastic Disaster 4" last night. You know the one where Gary Busey plays a Samurai who teams up with sass-talking Wanda Sykes to avenge the death of his midget father? The best was when Jebadiah Wayans shows up and drops his pants!" This is acceptable. GTA is not. You can pay $19 to see Tom Clancy's catastrophic adaptation of Sum of all Fears starring Ben Aflec, but you can't play Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell on PS2. You can watch Tiger Woods golf, but you can't play Tiger Woods Golf.

The list goes on. And so does the hypocrisy. Video games are viewed as mindless, but fosters the imagination far more than grade school art class. All you did was torture poor Mrs. Shaw, whose only crime was being flaky. And while I am a big supporter of live performance, video games these days are increasingly brilliant accomplishments, reflecting the blood sweat and tears of legions of talented artists and technicians. And their works deserve legitimacy. As you might imagine, I could go on. Suffice it to say...[dramatic pause]...someone's done apologizing. On to my point.

Our generation is under assault. As we speak, there is a campaign to undermine our very identity through strategic cultural and media warfare. We Gen-Xers (or
Gen Y-ers or whatever) have been unduly characterized as a ragtag band of apathetic, lazy, disrespectful malcontents devoid of any ambition other than perhaps to start a fire that burns down the world. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, "Generation X" has more entrepreneurs, more college graduates, more world-class athletes, more computer specialists, and more yadda yadda yadda than any other in history. Not to mention an acute awareness of a whole range of complex issues from the environment to the national debt (thanks former generations!) And all in an era of ridiculous competition and uncertainty. I mean, no one gets the gold watch any more. No one even gets a pension. Hell, we won't even get Social Security! And we know it. And we still get it done.

Last time I checked, we will go through 7 different careers before we turn 40. As much as they would have you believe this is a reflection of our lack of resolve, it is again quite the opposite. It is a reflection of our resolve that we still manage to kick ass in a world which lost its sense of loyalty. A world we inherited,
thank you very much.

These days you need more degrees than a thermometer, you need to have experience before you'll be given the chance to do anything, and if you relax for a second, someone else will come along who won't. Or maybe you'll be victim of outsourcing, down-sizing, cost-cutting, synergies through acquisition, restructuring, or any other hair-brained scheme to achieve short-term share appreciation.

Enough hyphenated words, I'll come out and say it. The "Greatest Generation" had it easy. Sure, they fought and won the greatest war in history, preserving freedom and democracy from tyranny and fascism. But c'mon, even they would tell you that things were simple back then. In fact, rather paradoxically, they would say this with the same bitter condescension that they use to characterize all aspects of our
generation. As if the complexities of our modern world are some kind of evil that we brought upon ourselves to make things more difficult for the colostomy crew. Nope. Guess again. As much as I enjoy seeing old people get frustrated, we were born into this brave new world. We see it for what it is, and you know what we do, grandpa? We adapt! I know, it's a very foreign and scary concept to you. It involves changing in the face change. And it requires brains, courage, and creativity. If we are cynical, it's because our culture, as much as it kicks ass, was made fundamentally vapid by the Baby Boomers (I'll get to those cockroaches in a minute). If we are sarcastic, well...what's wrong with that? Surely our chosen form of social critique through clever pointed observation is no less respectable than covering yourself in soon-to-be-dead flowers, abstaining from personal hygiene and preaching righteously about some drug-induced, inaccurate nonsense.

But the Revisionist Agenda would have you believe that we are the ones without a cause. Yeah right. Our cause is nothing short of saving this country from itself.
It was our computer geeks that revived the economy at a time when the service sector was struggling to make up for declines in manufacturing and heavy industry as well as white collar unemployment due to downsizing. It was our generation that breathed new life into sports and entertainment with new talent, new formats,
new media, and fresh ideas. It was our generation that accepted the fact that government cannot cure all our problems. It was our generation that saw the flaws of capitalism, but still accepted it as one positive component of a sustainable system and a decent life. It was our generation...Screw it, I'm done apologizing.

If any generation owes the country an apology, it is surely the Baby Boomers. What a bunch of pussies. Talk about self-indulgent drains on society. And we'll be taking care of their sorry asses for decades, ensuring a crisis in medical care, as well is the imminent dissolution of Social Security. Once they reach a certain age, they should be donated to sport and game.


Hey old people, "THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES!"


I extend my sincere and undying gratitude to any and
all who actually read this to completion.

--J. Dorsey Stone, done apologizin

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