This is a shocking story. It will take you to the very depths of the filth that is the human condition. It is a Mad Sophist-umentary on the horrors that lurk within the darkness that is "online dating."
The story begins:
Everyone has one of these kinds of friends. The kind of friend that likes to say "If she's old enough to bleed, she's good enough to feed." Or other all sorted lines dedicated to the noble pursuit of "scoring some arse."
In my case, this friend of mine is TFinn. Now you may remember him from my story on the night I almost died. Where TFinn and I sank to the lows of drugs and liquor, yet at the same time rose to the pinnacle of what is... drugs and liquor.
TFinn is what you'd term as a man whore. One of his favourite sayings is "Any hole's a practice hole." I'm not entirely sure what that means, but I don't think he's talking about golf.
Here is a snippet of one of my conversations with TFinn, and if you've read one, you've read them all.
Me: I'll come over tonight at 10:30 for a few largers
TFinn: Not tonight, there might be a party with underage girls that I'll have to attend
Me: I hope you die of venereal disease
TFinn: Eat Me
Me: Not with out a bottle of Detol to wash you down with you filthy whore
TFinn: Pfft
The conversations I share with him are rarely more insightful.
It may appear that I spent too much time introducing TFinn, but the story really starts and ends with him. They say that you need to build empathy towards a character in a good story, unless you just blow them up in the end. However this is no story.
Once upon a time, TFinn announces that he has joined up to an Adult Match Making service online. Now knowing TFinn, I instantly saw through it and demanded an explanation. It turns out he signed up to the service for the sole purpose of getting in someone's pants. Now in my naive little world I was certain he'd lost his marbles.
"TFinn," I Said....
"People don't join up to Match Making shit just for roots! It's all about romance."
It turns out, I was horribly mistaken. He proceeded to prove his case by talking me through a few of the profiles he'd been perusing. There were people looking for all manners of things, the standouts being:
Blindfolds
Handcufs
Kinky Sex
Erotic Chat
1 on 1 sex
couple sex
group sex
discrete relations
toys
spanking
There were many others. One of the standouts was "Golden Showers." Apparently there are enough people out there to warrant a category for people to select dedicated to the sexual gratification obtained by urinating (pissing), and being urinated (pissed) on.
It took my fairy bread brain a day to comprehend this. After cogitating on the sheer
desperation on some of the profiles I'd read... I decided it was my duty... as your beloved demagogue, your entrusted bluff caller, your "Mad Sophist" to bring you the exact extent of the disguisting-ness that is contained within Adult Matchmaking.
What did I do? Need you ask? That's Right!!! I set up my own account, only it was not to be yours truly on display at the meat market, but a carefully crafted bait that would be sure to bring all the sicko's grabbing their crotches and running screaming towards me.
It was none other than the Man I labeled "Dirty Gandalf". If his name didn't scare you off his picture would.
Here he is below:
Here is his profile:
Looking For:
Discreet Relationship
1 on 1 Sex
Group Sex (3 or more)
Bondage & Discipline
Cross-Dressing
Kinky Fetishes
Exhibition/Voyeurism
Interests:
1 on 1 sex
Anal - Giving
Anal - Receiving
Blindfolds
Handcuffs
Oral - Giving
Oral - Receiving
Role playing
Sex in public / outdoors
Spanking - Light
Stats:
Sexual Preference: Bi-Sexual
Body Type: Slim
Drinking: I like to party hard
Smoking: I am a smoker
Weight: 67 kg
Height: 177.5 cm
Race: Middle Eastern
Eyes: Brown
Hair: Grey
About Myself: I am a 72 year old man from sydney. I love to get dirty and don't let my years fool you... I am a wild child on the inside. I love to have sex and I don't need viagra. I am a sex machine. I am looking for young people to have sexual relations with. I may not be young and pretty... but I'll make you beg for more.
My Ideal Partner: My ideal partner is a young person from 18 to 35 looking for a sexual relationship. If it turns to marriage then I'm happy to share my fortune with a lovely lady. I'd prefer sex... male or female... as long as you're freaky and open minded as me.
As you can see "Dirty Gandalf" is indeed dirty.
Everyone asks "Who the hell is that guy in the picture." I have no idea is the answer. I found him in a google search for a picture named "Old Man."
I talked with a friend on the ethics of putting a random guy on a dating site as a certified pervert, considering he was probably somebody's grandfather who had perhaps devoted his life to charity. Though, ethics have never been my strong point... so I thought why start now. Hey, the guy might genuinely be pleased to know he can score.
Now the story takes an ugly turn for the worst. I of course made "Dirty Gandalf" as disgusting as I thought humanly possible and people said "There's no way you'll get a reply." But score Dirtygandalf did, and not once I might add.
The first reply of course was from TFinn. I threatened to put his picture on my page saying that he was grandpa rooter, it's more than he deserves.
The first actual reply was from a 33 year old man. There are two ways to contact someone, you can send them an email to their online inbox or send them your profile with no message. This guy sent his profile. Here's a snippet of what he was offering:
Age: 33
Sexual Preference: Bi-Curious
Body Type: Average
Drinking: I drink socially
Smoking: I am a smoker
Weight: 91 kg
Height: 177.5 cm
Race: White/Caucasian
Eyes: Brown
Hair: Black
About Myself: Im opened minded looking for very discreet fun.Im not picky
with who i meet.
Not picky indeed! I of course made Dirtygandalf bisexual as I'd surely scared most people off, I didn't want to cut the remainder in half by specifying a gender. Also, if there are men that want to sex a 72 year old man.. then strangely...... I want to know about it.
At the bottom of the mans profile was a little surprise waiting for me. Three picture thumbnails for my "enjoyment" and without even thinking twice I opened them one by one.
The first one was of the guy standing in what looks like a toilet stall taking a photo of himself into the mirror, with the camera carefully hiding his face. He had no shirt on and just a pair of pants protecting my eye cornea's.
The 2nd shot was exactly the same except the pants were gone leaving only a pair of underpants between me and never being able to obtain an erection ever again.
Unable to see the obvious horrific pattern that was emerging, I stupidly opened the third photo. There the guy was, standing there with his cocktail frank staring me right in the face. It was then at that very moment that I lost the miniscule amount of respect I had for mankind. This old fart was sending his Johnson to a 72 year old man with the obvious intention of enquiring as to whether he could insert it in his anus.
I knew that of course given the fact that my audience is made of of mostly depraved degenerates and socially inept geniuses. you'd all want to see the picture. The words up the top of the page that contained his pics were "Public Profile" .. and that was good enough for me.
I wont paste the picture in here just to protect the innocent, but it you really must see it then click here.
I went to bed with the image of this mans willy burnt onto my retina, and even an episode of Dark Angel couldn't budge it. Needless to say, I didn't sleep well.
Over the course of the next week I received a great number of messages and profiles. One of which was from a 27 year old woman who said
"going to be in Sydney over Easter... would love to fuck a horny, dirty old sugar daddy"
She also included her picture collection, there were 6 pictures but only 5 were visible. They were all pictures of her breasts, which did nothing for me.. but if I was 72, they'd probably be as close as I could get to Jennifer Anniston.
Once again for you desperado's you can click here to catch the train to Juggs central.
The 6th picture was a mystery, it claimed that my age needed to be verified before I could see it. Mozza, of "your say" and "penis island" fame was able to view it as he actually had a legitimate account that he paid for. He informed me that it was the closest of close ups of a vagina. In his words.. he described her "asset" as "rank." I don't have any intention of viewing it as judging by her breasts and Mozza's description, it was best left alone.
For all you sick bastards, you won't find any pictures of her "Beef Curtains" here.
The other profiles I was sent were less memorable... but here's a look at them below.
"Cross Dresser for you"
Age: 30
Sexual Preference: Bi-Sexual
Body Type: Slim
Drinking: I drink socially
Smoking: I am a smoker
Weight: 73 kg
Height: 183 cm
Race: White/Caucasian
Eyes: hazel/blue
Hair: blonde
Relationship Status: Single
im an easy going guy that loves to dress up as a sexy fem lady like to go out dressed and meet others with similar interest am happy to meet with guys or girls that are interested or intrigued with the same please feel free to contact me im available for meetings most weekends and week nights kiss kiss hope to hear from you soon
-------------------------------------------------------
"A COUPLE"
I am a: Couple
Age: 19 and 65
Body Type: Athletic
Drinking: I drink socially
Smoking: Non-Smoker
Weight: 85 kg
Height: 165 cm
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
- 19 and 65? Hot damn!
"SOME GUY"
Age: 47
Sexual Preference: Straight
Body Type: Athletic
Drinking: I drink socially
Smoking: Non-Smoker
Weight: 88 kg
Height: 183 cm
Race: White/Caucasian
Eyes: brown
Hair: salt and pepper !
Relationship Status: Single
I'm a fit healthy hard working professional guy who travels overseas alot and would like to meet some friends in Australia to spend quality time with. People who have the same interests as me, not just sexual but other social activities also, restaurants, wine, walks. I'm not so worried about age as chemistry, if it feels good great otherwise keep looking,I'm into any type of sexual activity as long as it doesn't hurt !!!
My Ideal Partner: A soft, caring, gentle person who is looking for a little fun, and is a clean, discreet person wanting uncomplicated casual sex.
By now I think you're getting the point, my 72 year old was a hot piece of ass on the dating circuit.
Might I take this opportunity to remind you all that DirtyGandalf is not only a sick bastard, he is 72!!! In about 10 days I had profiles coming out of my ass from people wanting to give the old guy the rogering of his life. I said I'd expose Adult Match Making for the cess pool of filth that it is.. and I believe I achieved my goal.
Don't get me wrong, nymphomaniacs have to get by some how and they deserve their own forum. Though the noble pursuit of pensioner prowling in my mind has no place in society.
You might think that's where the story ended, in fact you wouldn't be far wrong. I wish this is where it ended.. but it's not.
The first guy that contacted me, you know... cocktail frankman, sends me an email saying I am now giving you access to my private gallery. Now I wasn't going to make the same mistake again... his "public" gallery was disturbing, so anything private must be deadly.
Why is curiosity such a bastardly thing? Why is it when people forget what they were going to say we force them to remember? Why do people open up emails that they know will disgust them and "wang them" to death? I have no answer for any of these questions.
So incase you didn't read between the lines, I of course opened his private gallery.
I'd now like to dedicate the next gap in the story, the next few blank lines to you building a picture in your head of the horror that I encountered.
I take it that you're content enough with your own idea of what I saw that I don't have to re-live the experience by telling you the exact story. So... THE END.
I take it that since you're still reading, your feeble imagination couldn't suffice in
painting an adequate picture of what I saw Either that or you're still hanging around for more dick pics.
The private gallery ALSO contained 3 pictures. As per the first lot they also got increasingly disturbing one after another.
The first one was simply "an eye full of doodle." The camera was somewhere about navel height pointing down at.. well you know what.
The 2nd one was the same shot, only close enough you could see the siffilus trying to choke the crabs. The pubic hair were like vines strangling the base of a tree.
The 3rd was the same shot only there was one minor difference. The "tree" was covered in a strange substance. Kind of a clear gel like consistency. Fine, I'll say it.
THE GUYS DICK WAS COVERED IN SEMEN!!
I had to put a sock down my throat to stop from throwing up, I fumbled clumsily and desperately for the close window box. I had just eaten and I felt like the food would be only making a short stay in my stomach. Sure I've seen that kind of thing before... I'd walked in on TFinn looking at porn on a number of occasions.. but he lacks the sense of shame that forces him to close the window. Although seeing that kind of thing that is spawned from the intention of having sexual relations with a 72 year old man seemed to be the nail in the coffin for me in terms of the disgusting-ness level.
There will be no pictures of this made available for the simple reason that I refuse to look at it again.
Being an experiment, maybe I was supposed to have an Aim, a Method and a Hypothesis.
My Aim was to expose Adult Match Making in harboring dirty perverts - mission successful
My method was to create the most morally corrupt elderly ugly sex mad bait - mission successful
My hypothesis would have been way off. There was no way that I thought I'd get more than a joking reply. In reality this guy could have got his end away that many times he'd lose count. He could have been on the job every day of the week. This experiment was all only contained within one city of around 3 million people. One dating service with limited clientele.
My mission was so successful (if you could call it that) that I had to share it with the world.
Looking back, I can't believe I told TFinn that Match Making was only for romance. TFinn is the filthiest whore I know and on that site he's as wholesome as Winnie the Pooh.
We live in a world where there are people in their 20's and even teens that are prepared to mount a 72 year old man who'd lose a beauty contest to a used condom. Does that change how you look at the world?
Just as I was putting the finishing touches on this article ready to publish I received another email with pictures from a 44 year old ladies private gallery. One of which was a close up of her "garage" with chilling detail. It's been just over a week and the response is nuts. I'll keep you updating on Dirty Gandalfs progress, he'll be online for another week.
I guess the moral of the story is "72 year old nymphomaniacs are gods children too."
Comments? Email me