One of my least favourite things to do is to go grocery shopping, here's why:
I think of grocery shopping like going to a zoo or an aquarium. You peer into the
aquarium tank of life... the moron exhibit. Nothing brings out the truth of a local demographic like the supermarket. You get to find out exactly whose letter
rubs up against yours in the postmens' mailbag. Mostly it's a frightening thought.
Lets examine the main characters:
The Snobs:
These are the people who drive bmw's and pretend they don't have a pair of track pants. The most amusing thing is that mostly these people aren't really rich but they have to assert their authority over the general scrubbers. Like it's all that difficult.
The Bogans:
These are the people who come in only to buy home brand coke to put in their bourbon. That is, the ones that have discovered that a bottle is twice as cheap as buying 24 cans, only a rare few. They generally smell something like
football dressing sheds or like you'd smell if you spent the evening sleeping in a storm water drain.
The people with children:
These are by far the worst. Firstly because they're breeding and secondly, the control they have over their amalgamation of egg and sperm. The parents will buy them shit just to make them shut the hell up, then one day.. when they have no
spare money, the child goes spare. Throwing itself on the floor, howling and just making a general asshole of itself. Many a time I've had to hold back deep rooted cave man instincts to boot it into orbit. If kids did that shit 3,000
years ago.. they'd be fed to a sabre tooth tiger. A heartwarming thought.
The barefoot bandits:
It's enough that my lettuce has to sit next to a guys named "Darren." Darren being as aesthetically pleasing as a 4 inch thick stake would be to a vegetarian. With a face like a dropped pie and charisma that would turn a dung beetle off
his lunch.
Darren is of course without footwear, and if it wasn't enough to share his used air
through the air conditioning system.. you have to feel his germs trying to crawl up your leg with more fervor than a pedophile at a little athletics meeting.
The supermarket is one place where nobody cares how they look, I don't care wherever I go.. but i avoid making other people feeling physically sick, but most don't go to that trouble.
It's funny to watch the management too, they storm in with their 2 week tafe course and demand more authority than a General on a battlefield. It's one discipline where the worst candidates for leadership are promoted straight to the top just
because they've worked their since they were 16. You get those 40 something year old managers trying to impress the uni students who work 2 days a week just to buy weed. Clearly, the university student is disgusted with the level of education received by the person pushing them around.. and has to either laugh or cry.
I once had a job like that. I called it boxstackopathy. One day we had to go around
writing stuff on products. The chief taskmaster in charge of the project told us to make sure the numbers we wrote were "eligible." I wondered eligible for what?
A promotion? Clearly she was trying to say illegible, which sadly is wrong anyway.
There are so many characters at a supermarket;
Old ladies always squinting evilly from behind glasses that went out of fashion with
Michael Bolton... they're a favourite.
The bum who mumbles shit to themselves and people look down on them, even though they're better dressed.
So Many classics.
There is also that thought everyone has, the thought that asks... I wonder where they have come from, and what devil they worship. I'll point them straight to mine if they ever ask.
Then there's the filth. The realization that the world you live in, the people you
share oxygen with are filthy. From their dirty expressions, to their dirty clothes
and dirty thoughts. Breeding ample generations of filthy children with their filthy opinions and social deficiencies.
Sometimes I go to the local supermarket just to look at the people, then I bathe in disinfectant.
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