A few days ago I tripped and fell on a Horoscope, so I decided to read it. I had actually forgotten just how retarded they are. Incase you've not had the pleasure of reading one for a while let me get you up to speed. They are as insightful as the Wiggles lyrics and as practical as a church of satan for over 55's... so completely useless. I can imagine the cheese dicks that write this horseshit are as socially adjusted as a masochist nazi sociopathic evangelist on death row.
Much worse than this is the people that spend money to have a scripted steaming heap of canine excrement dictate their lives. Surely people must be beginning to realize that the predictions are as vague as ossy osbourne. The chances of you NOT meeting someone new, and or being labeled a shit head are quite remote.

So as a public service I've decided to write my own horrible-scope dedicated to the happiness of my loyal readers.
I've also devised a mathematical, astrological equation that allows me to predict the future for all star signs.

MAD SOPHIST HORRORSCOPE

This month will be a turbulent time. You'll find yourself breathing in and out several times, as well as eating food and drinking lots of liquids. You'll travel a lot by walking with your feet and you can expect to take many trips to the toilet to do giant anaconda like shits.. some of which may be runny.

The alignment of jupiter and a petrified pterodactyl's scrotum in the african savannah will be sure to make you feel energized and excited about going to the newsagent to buy more horoscopes with money that could be used to feed starving children. Your love life will be good and bad and watch out for a midnight sunny rendezvous with a short tall person who is interested in jesus and or satan. You can also look forward to many sunrises and sunsets as well has 4 weeks of Sienfield re-runs. Your lucky numbers are 1 through to infinity and your lucky colour is "rainbow."

I hope you find that as helpful as all the other horoscopes out there, I have a feeling that much of it will come true for you this coming month.

Congratulations to those of you cerebral enough to pick up on the sarcasm flooding out of my ass, I'm sure you agree that this whole horoscope business is as useful as tits on an electric eel.

Stay tuned for more horoscopes from Mad Sophist - Dedicated to predicting the extraordinary.

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