Part 1: Dickheads

*Don't Use Your Indicators*: This has nothing to do with Stupidity Zones (See Dropkicks). People who don't indicate are simply lazy shits. Its not only annoying but also dangerous. If you plan on turning off, let me know because I'm waiting for you to come around. No? Great, you've just stolen a piece of my time just like the hundred other lazy bastards who did the exact same thing this week.

*Smoke ARound People Who Don't Smoke*: As a social smoker, I know that cigars taste great and how good it feels to take a drag after waiting for however long... but everyone around you that isn't also smoking wants to take whatever it is you're smoking and insert it firmly up your nostril. No so much that it burns your nasal passage, but moreso that that the smoke will be contained within the cavernous empty space that is your skull.

*Push In Line, Put Me On Hold Or Cut In Traffic*: I was here first. Fuck off.

*Don't Be Specific*: If you're my boss, don't tell me about the whole job, wait until I'm almost finished before explaining the other half that I should have also been doing. I loved that job so much that I can't wait to get started again.
If you're marking my assignment, tell me that the idea's aren't developed enough but don't tell me what the fuck you're talking about, or talk about the actual ideas. Make general comments about assignment that can be applicable to any piece of writing in the English language. I enjoy spending hours thinking about how to improve.
If I'm calling someone on your behalf to ask questions, tell me another 5 I should have asked immediately afterwards and make me call back again.
If you're an English teacher, use an extremely vague and subjective grading system that grants you the power to give your favourite students A's and to toy with everyone else.

*Be Selfish and Forget Courtesy*: For a more subtle approac that will slowly push me over the edge, be one of the thousands that make this daily contribution. When I say 'Good Morning/Day/Evening!", completely blank me. When I pay you a compliment, don't accept it graciously or say anything back at all. When we have a conversation, accept a call on your mobile and chat away for 10 minutes, I don't mind standing around like an idiot at all. I am a mere convenience to you. If you are unable to meet up with me, don't make any effort whatsoever to arrange another time, it makes my self-esteem bloated when I make all the effort.
If there is a three-way conversation, talk to the other person about something that doesn't involve me, I'm not here to feel included.
If you are nearer to the phone from me, sit and wait for as long as possible to see if I get up to answer the call. Your time is far more valuable than mine.
Eat or drink my share of what is in the pantry/fridge if, in your opinion, I am taking too long. Whatever you do, don't ask me first.
Perpetually steer all conversation towards what you want to talk about. After all, you were why I got out of bed that morning and I only think about you when you aren't around.
And whatever you do, don't wipe your urine off the toilet seat when you're finished.

*Completely Change When You Have a Boyfriend/Girlfriend*: Commonly refered to as being pussy-whipped. What is the female equivalent? Penis-whipped? There is already a term for whipping with the penis- Turkey Slapping, so that wouldn't work. But this is besides the point. Your friends were what kept you going the last time you were out of a relationship. The best way to show your appreciation? Give them the flick the second you're back on the dating bandwagon. What a great friend you are! *SLAP*

*Badger Me For Conversation*: If I'm not talking, I'm either tired or busy thinking. Cease and decist. You will definitely not enjoy the dialoge when your simple mind figures out how much I want to strangle you with your own severed tongue.

*Be Unwelcoming On The Net*: If I join your internet community, assume that I can instantly adapt to your inside jokes and conventions. Refuse to believe that I can't. No wonder you spend so much time on here.

*Be a Jackass of a Hairdresser* Pay absolutely no attention to what I want. Just because its my hair that doesn't mean that I should have any input into how I look. When I said that I want a trim with slightly more off the top and around the ears, I really want super short back and sides which looks exactly like your last customer. Now lets go watch Happy Days!

Part 2 - Drongos

*Don't Avoid Your Stupidity Zone*: Everybody has their own zone(s). These zones differ for every individual. When a person enters this zone, their brainwave's activity is reduced to the level of a constipated gibbon's turd. For many people, this zone is located right in front of an automatic teller machine. You ever been in a line in a hurry to get back to work or to meet your friends or sex dungeon mistress and get stuck behind one of these people? They take an average time of 2 mintues per button press because they are unable to decide if they want $50 or $60. Either that or they want to examine every intimate detail of their bank account in much the same way as a primate will examine the latest thing they have dug out of their ear. Even worse, no matter how stupid these people are, they never leave their money behind for you to pick up as compensation for your time.
Other common Supidity Zones include the chairs inside examination halls, the driver's seat of a car (i.e. turning to talk to other people in the car whilst driving), Big Brother House and the area within a 10km radius of every Simple Plan concert.

*Have a Mobile Phone*: See my article on Mobile Phones

*Be a Shitty Parent*: Some kids shoot up a school and the blame is firmly placed on TV, comic books, music and video games, much like how rock was called 'devil music' several decades ago as the Penny Arcade boys so rightly pointed out. Nobody blames the people who sell the guns and ammunition, the society that madew the kids feel like outcasts or the parents that are incapable of teaching their own flesh and blood right from wrong and fantasy from reality. Artists have a sociat responsibility for pushing their public into the cultural direction that is reflected in their work. If say a tv show just flashes titties on the screen then its their fault if every kid in grade school just talks about titties and pressure and harass girls to show theirs. They wouldn't be responsible, however, if one kid sexually assaults one of these girls. The writers didn't tell the kid to rape the girl, that's just the kid being depraved. People who depict violence cannot be held accountable for every dysfunctional family with either crazy parents that drive their kids nuts or kids who just ain't right in the head to begin with.
With modern technology creating more and more work for the breadwinners to do (mobile phones, laptops, fax machines), there is less and less time available to spend with the children, keeping parents away and unable to properly shape the child's mind with what is acceptable and what is unacceptable. How do parents combat this? Get hired help or get TV to raise their kids. And they expect their kids to have the same value system as them?
The main problem is that today, nobody can tell who is responsible for what. There are plenty of children who watch violence on tv and movies, listen to Insane Clown Posse (I stab people), play Wolfenstein and Grand Theft Auto and read comics like Spawn who DON'T go around machine-gunning policemen and children. Who's fault is it really? Maybe the person who actually did the shooting? Like Chris Rock once said 'Whatever happened to "crazy"?'
If you're a parent and you plan on sitting in the back seat for the next 18 years, put the dick down and go read a book.

*Be a Foreigner Who Stinks At English*: If something hasn't worked for you before, don't find out what you're saying or doing wrong or correct the problem instead of aggravating every person you come across. When I told you 1st floor, flat 2A, I don't mean 2nd floor, flat A, nor do I mean 3rd floor, flat 2A. Later, when I tell you to cram your mobile up your arse, I don't mean for you to ask me what I mean at ever-increasing volume.

*Ask Me a Question And Don't Listen To The Reply*: Keep saying 'Excuse Me?' or 'Sorry?' I enjoy repeating the same sentence. Don't stop whatever it is you're thinking about or doing and actually pay attention to me answering YOUR query, you jackass.

*If You're In A Movie, Insist On Dying*- Need someone to take on King Kong or a thousand evil aliens single-handedly? Perhaps someone to hang around the building that is about to explode while everyone else escapes? Or maybe even someone who wants to shoot themselves in the head instead of being saved from some bizarre illness? These people act there is a perfectly good reason for this, but there isn't. They obviously thought it would be fun to be crushed, blown up or ripped to shreds. What makes this more annoying, however, is that these characters are almost always the hottest or most likeable (up until this point).

*Badger Me For Conversation*: If I'm not talking, I'm either tired or busy. Cease and Desist. You definitely won't enjoy the conversation when you realise that I just want to strangle you with your severed tongue.

*Suck At Spelling*: Stop being such a retard and learn to spell CongraTulations and DefinItely. People in grade 4 spell better than you.

Part 3 - Dropkicks

*Be On The Internet When You're Under 16*: Let me give it to you straight kids- if you act your age, we don't want you on here. Plain and simple. Take your fingers away from the Caps Locl button, exclamation point key, learn to spell, stay off Myspace, Newgrounds, Livejournal, Xanga, Madsophist and most importantly, IRC. Yes, we agree, nobody gives a shit about what we did on the weekend or what celebrities we love or our lives in general. But guess what? Even fewer people give a shit about yours. Live some of your life first before you start rambling about it.

*Be Highly Fashion Conscious*: These people drive be bananas. I saw an ad on TV for chocolate milk where the leading lady is wearing two singlets, one on top of the other. I realise that this was quite common with the try-hard females around my uni campus.
Let's take a moment to appreciate how truly stupid and annoying this is. Are these girls incapable of deciding which singlet to adorn? Do they need someone else to choose their clothes for them?
I know plent over rational, average, normal girls who seem perfectly capable of retaining all their friends, jobs and remaining alive without adopting every rediculous fashion trend. So please, wear tops that cover your love handles (i.e that fat hanging over your jeans), belts t hat hold your pants up, sunglasses for outdoors, tiny skirts for places nobody can see you and one item of each clothing except socks. Thank you.

*Post Up Whole Albums On The Net Of Yourself Posing*: We really, really don't care about your latest shade of lipgloss, hair, eyeshadow or contacts. If you have real friends, they would have already seen what you look like. The 4000 boys who drool over you on the net have all drastically lowered their social standards because they are all sad and lonely. Chances are, you aren't of legal age, creative or particularly good looking. Also, you probably haven't received any compliments in the real world and rely on horny losers for them.

*Babble*: If you're feeling insecure about yourself, begin a monologue with a raised voice about whatever the topic is... and contribute absolutely nothing. To make the situation even more frustrating, all the people listening should politely nod in appreciation and verbally acknowledge the babbler for his/her thoughts.

*Sing a Whiney Song*: If I wanted to hear someone complain I'd talk to one of my friends about their job/friends/family/sex life. There is plenty of oppurtunity in this world to hear someone crying about their loser life, why do we need to hear it on the radio too?
Greenday's 'Boulevard of Broken Dreams' need to be re-written "You walk a lonely road, because you are an emo piece of shit..." and so on with words to that effect. The words fit the rhythm quite well don't they?
There have to be more songs that *discourage* whining and say something intelligent about the world we live in. Writing a whiney song is the creative equivalent of a sitcom that survives on innane leading characters insulting each other all through the show (Friends, the Nanny, Titus, That 70's Show, Two Guys and a Girl, Golden Girls, the Drew Carey Show, Becker, Mr.Belvedere, Step by Step, Married With Children and so on...)

*Do Your Best To Pick Up Online*: Think you are a stud muffin? Put up photos of and talk about your penis. Ask complete strangers for a fuck. Fall in love in less than two conversations. Tell them what you'd like to do to them. The timing is absolutely perfect. I mean, if a girl is on the internet she's clearly desperate and horny right? Just like all the ones at clubs and bars! So you have a sure thing!
Also, send lots of undeserved compliments- that worked for you so well in real life that its certainly going to work on here. Yahuh.

*Wear A Crown At Your Wedding*: What is up with that, Dave?!

*Use And Abuse Me*: Boyfriend or workmates treating you like shit? Feeling lonely? Too self-conscious and insecure to vent around your real friends? The second we are alone, unleash the most depressive thing you can say and constantly try to top yourself. Saying the same thing over and over is particularly effectice. Act all chummy and physically affectionate. As soon as you feel better, ignore and avoid me to the best of your ability for the rest of your life. Congratulations, one more person in the world thinks you are an arsehole.
Next time you bump into me, pretend to be my close friend. Act shocked when facade isn't joined in by another spineless coward. Try to alleviate guilt by offering to listen to my non-existent problems.

*Chase After Me*: Between the time spent with people who want to hang out with me, and the time spent chasing after people who don't, there is little time left for you. Give up now.

*Take Cheap Shots At Australia*: I saw an English woman on the news in Hong Kong saying that the pollution was nowhere near as bad as Australia. That's like saying that England's weather isn't quite as depressing as Greece, or that Americans aren't quite nearly as obese as Ethiopians. Australians don't get black phlegm lady, head back to London if you want to find that you hypocrite.

*Make Fatness Cool*: There are two types of fat people. Those who see it as a problem and those who don't. Those that see it as a problem can be further divided into two categories- those that bitch while they're doing something about it and those that bitch while they sit around on their arses. Whilst this is irritating, neither of these two are nearly as annoying as the other kind.
I'm talking about those people who think that it's okay to be disgustingly obese and say shit like 'Hey, I'm a big girl/boy' and 'I just like food' and 'This is who I am and I'm comfortable with blah blah blah'. So yes, because you are 'comfortable' with it, you don't need to get any exercise or stop overeating or do anything else to stop yourself from being overweight and unhealthy like everyone else who has some discipline and self-restraint.
In fact, to further prove how comfortable you are, wear really tight, figure-hugging clothes everywhere you go. If anyone retches or makes comments, they are just horrible people who have stereotypical views of women and attractive figures. I hope you enjoy your life with a man who couldn't get anyone else to shag him and has settled for you. You see all those hundreds of women you've walked by today? He would rather be with any of them, and has probably already tried.
I really love how so many women have double standards in that they won't touch fat men with a barge pole, find them gross and disgusting and say nasty things about not only their weight, but about men at large who have acne or pastyness or a perceived lack of muscle. Yet these women think that it's completely unacceptable for a women to be criticised about their weight.
To garauntee my absolute infuriation, be protective of a fat person when you have a flawless body for purely selfish reasons. "You leave my fat friend alone. She's fat, and she's cool." Yep, suddenly be best friends with this fat person, but completely avoid and ignore the fat people who see it as a problem because it's too depressing and for some reason, you don't think they're cool either. As soon as you realise how good it makes you look and how fashionable it is, you can have your own fat friend as the perfect accessory who will cling to you for companionship and protection so that they can not only validate their build but their ability to successfully be part of a social group and be accepted, when you don't really accept them at all. You enjoy faking a friendship to make yourself look slimmer and kinder?
It's lucky hat so many of you think that being fat is cool, because now more than half of all Australians are overweight. I'm sure we'd never have reached this mark where it not for your acceptance and encouragement towards fatties. CongraTulations.

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