On the way to and from my current vocation, it is my misfortune to have to encounter a lift... and moreso"Lift Etiquette."

You might ask exactly what Lift Etiquette is but it's self explanatory. There are rules,
written and otherwise, that govern the conduct of all lift users.

Let us first look at the mind set of a lift user.

You board the wretched box of metal and immediately scan for fellow passengers.
Two thoughts come into my mind:

1) Are there Children

2) If there is a malfunction, who would I eat first to stay alive.

Lets look at number 2.

Granted it's not likely that you'll ever be trapped in a lift so long that you'll starve.
I'm not sure about you but I'm not willing to take any chances. As soon as the thing stops I'm ready to pounce on the nearest thigh.
Apart from the eating, there is the unfortunate realization that you'll have to bond with these people in some way.. if there is indeed a crisis. This scares more than the thought of picking someone's intestines out from my teeth.

The average lift user just gets on, stares straight at the numbers and gets off as soon as possible ignoring the fact that the universe exists. Then there are some people, who feel that being trapped in a box with someone for 8 seconds is
a perfect precursor for mandatory banter. It's the worst kind of banter too:

"The weather is _________ (insert some boring natural occurrence)

"I wish it was Friday" - I wish you were dead, AND it was friday.

Then there are the rules, some of which you'll be arrested for... the others you'll be scowled at. As I like being scowled at I try to break as many as possible from the latter.

Here are the top 5 rules of lift travel:

5. If you own a child, you must encourage it to jump around... press all the buttons and then cry incessantly.

4. All yuppies must immediately announce "Sorry, I was just on the phone to an overseas investor." Oh and I make more money than you and it automatically makes me a better person.

3. All women must smile at you waiting for you to make the mistake of eye contact which gives them the idea that you're interested in how their day was and what car they drive.

2. If you're in a group, you must make sure the last person is at least a minute behind you, consequently holding the lift while everyone else waits until the person comes and laughs at how funny it was that they were late. (I swear I've seen this)

1. Person standing nearest the buttons must force everyone squished in to announce what floor they want. Rather than allowing you the privilege of treading on the heads of the feral children.

So perhaps there the rules just morphed into the 5 most annoying things I have seen in a lift. Though there are distinct unwritten rules such as the following.

Rule 1: If other people are just about to hop on, you must hold the lift for them.
People did this for me when I first started, and I to them. Then of course one person
just took too long. I took off but left enough time to watch them curse at me with their eyes as the door closed. Knowing that the guy was waiting for it to come back down, I got off at floor 3, then pressed number 6 and 7 and proceed to stager in a fit of evil laughter to my car. If a psychiatrist had seen me then, I'd now be typing with my hands behind my back dressed in a white jacket.

Rule 2: Apparently, if you're not massively obese or disabled.... floors 1,2 and 3 are off limits. I once got in a lift with two whores who looked like they put their makeup on with a shotgun... they said "Level three? That's pretty poor."

They were of course suggesting that for that small distance I should have taken the stairs. I Said "I'm just letting my cholesterol settle," and muttered to myself that they were bush pigs. They laughed at my cholesterol come back and so did some guy at work. So I set out to see if it was in fact funny. Only I said it to a big turkey necked fat old guy, he just snorted an acknowledgement of my statement that included an undertone of "I will play you like a harpsichord you little punk."

There are then of course lift games, there are many you can play like "Who's fart is it anyway," but my personal favourite is the claustrophobic psycho game.

You pace around touching opposite walls of the lift every now and then, you also need to huff and pant continuously. Try to also look at the ground a lot, and mess up your hair a little to add to the psycho mystique.
It's best to do it with just one other person in the lift as it really messes with
their head. Half of them just want to get the hell off, the other half is concerned
for your well being. This is where the best bit comes in. All the panting has made them forget you're only going four floors, so when you get off.. you just walk off normally and bid them a nice day. It's a total classic to see their faces.

Tomorrow I'm going to tell a fellow passenger that I'm a lift technician. and that it's
surprising how weak the cables are.

I'll see you all in hell.

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