Everyone at some point in their lives has dreamt about what the world would be like if they were god, or alternatively the president of the United States (did I repeat myself?) Ignoring the question as to whether God and the President is a tautology, let me present to you Mad Sophists perfect world. What the world would be like if I created it.
The basis behind my world will be the extermination of anything that pisses me off (Goodbye Amity Dry fans-like there's more than one.) Here are 10 things you won't see in Mad Sophists perfect world.
10- Shit Drivers. Only Michael Schumacher and I will have cars so that means I'll only ever have to overtake one person instead of being stuck behind masses of 'mature drivers'. Even that phrase pisses me off. Like the pensioners insurance agency. They say "We don't give insurance to 20 year old drivers, even 50 year old drivers, we only give it to 55+ drivers.. 'experienced drivers like you.
What a giant mound of post digested food. When was the last time you saw a 55-60 year old driver you didn't want to stab? They're experienced all right, experienced at blocking traffic and causing accidents.
9- Impressionable under 20s. These morons give me the shits so bad my anus glows red. They swan about advertising brand names run by probably people not even as cool as their parents. I love bumping into idiots with ezekiel stickers. They haven't the slightest idea that it means the strength of god and that it was the name of some guy who lead a bunch of jews through the desert. Some Hebrew prophet of the 6th century BC who was exiled to Babylon in 587 BC. I bet it's someone playing a trick on the teenagers, 'watch me lead you into my wallet you brainless sycophants. I only wish I had thought of it.
8- Children's Television Programs. Better yet, children. I've met less than a handful of people I'd allow to breed if it was my choice. Look at who's breeding in Australia & get an insight into how far down the toilet this country is going to go. People should have licence's to breed, or at least take my 'should I have children?" test.
Now children's television, shit.
Who is running this country? That little fat kid from Cat in the Hat and "The Kid"?
- That was the worst mistake Bruce Willis ever made. Who gives a shit what children want? Screw the wiggles and the teletubbies for working out that dumb parents make dumb children who will make their parents buy your garbage. Screw you for making a quick buck on my misery.
7- Video Hits. I am tired of watching new rappers come onto the scene rapping about how much more money they have than everyone else. All they're proving is that they live in a world where unoriginal shit sells like tea towels to arabs and like penile implants sell to Japanese men. I hope you all choke on your bling bling.
6- Morons. Being a very social person, I've learnt that the chances of me liking a random person I meet are around 0.735% rounded down. Luckily I've found 4-5 people, but think of the hundreds of people I've had to meet in between. People are filth in general. Put a person in a corner and they'll stab their grandmother before inconveniencing themselves. There are liars, bludgers, egotists, snobs, sycophants, criminals and people who work at the telstra shop...but I repeat myself. I loathe them all. There's nothing admirable about me either except for this noble, cynical and offensive cult that I am leading. So I'd like to conclude that Mad Sophists perfect world would have no people in it (subject to later contradictions.) Or at the very least me, my friends, oh and the people on the forum.
5- Monopolies and Corporations. There is a reason why people live into their hundreds with ease in Okinawa. Because they don't have to take it up the ass from a boss they hate, doing a job that inspires nothing but an upchuck reflex. Sure they drive their buffalo plows but they have a laugh doing it and all hang out with each other having tea and talking shit. They all like each other because they're all as poor as shit and love every minute of it. I am sick to death of pretending to like the people I work with. Buy some freaking t-shirts so I can be rid of the hell hole. (it's a simple dream.)
4- Social Mores and Traditions. I tire of the fact that calling a christian a dumb shit is "not the right thing to do." I'm sick of not being able to say the first thing that comes into my head when I see a pregnant lady. "Woah, you let a guy insert and ejaculate inside yourself, nice work!"
I tire of the fact that calling your boss a knob jockey is not civilized or acceptable. I especially can't stand the fact that people expect you to be polite and curb your behaviour just because you're talking to an old person who cardiac arrests at
the word "fuck."
3- Classes. In my world there would be no brahmin, no hollywood elite, no "a" list or high rollers table. My agrarian wonderland would commend people on their merits. In my world the guy that called the Queen a tit would command more respect than the richest man, But in my world, there'd be no rich man anyway. I especially love people that for no reason at all think they're better than some bum on the street. The smartest people I know all look like shit, and the morons are in designer clothing.
2- Civil Libertarians. What the hell is a civil libertarian? All they ever do is complain about shit like when they give police more powers. I agree that giving police powers is like giving fireworks to a four year old but how do these guys make a living? Oh hey, the train station has a new security camera, lets cross to some bitch civil libertarian with PMS and a haircut sponsored by huskvana lawnmowers. These people are on the same level with that girl that every high school has. The one that feeds of gossip... the one that pretends to have cancer or be pregnant so people will give her attention. Screw her and her future as a civil libertarian. To put Martin Luther King and Malcom-X in the civil libertarian mould would make them turn in their graves.
1 - Dumb people who vote. In my world, only people who know what the hell they're talking about will be able to vote. Naturally everyone over 50 will be banned from the polls. I know people who vote for candidates just because they have better haircuts than the others. I know people who vote for a party cause their dad does and they have no freaking Idea why...nor does he! It makes me ill that for every educated person with a moderate grasp of politics, there are 1,000 dickheads who screw the elections because they think the greens are conservative and that liberal means free. Who the hell voted for Bush? Even though the election was rigged, he couldn't have not got any votes! In my perfect world, Bush would never have power.
In concluding the 10 things that you won't see, my world will clearly be heaven. But you haven't read the 4 things that WILL be in it.
Why four? Because I've always been better at sarcasm and blind hatred than lovey dovey asslicking appreciation. However, some things are cool.
Here are 4 things you will see in Mad Sophist's perfect world.
4 - Cloning and Genetic engineering
Genetic engineering will have no restrictions. The sooner they make a lettuce taste like a cheese burger, the sooner I won't have to sit next to some fat ass oozing onto my seat in an aeroplane. What could possibly be wrong with having a healthy meal taste like a quarter pounder meal? There will be no more fat people, caus I've never heard of anyone getting to 300 pounds on a diet of asparagus and brussel sprouts.
Cloning will have restrictions however. Harsh restrictions, but they are for the best. The only people allowed to be cloned will be written in a special list prepared by me:
1 - Jessica Alba
2 - Me.
Imagine a thousand Jessica Alba's running around, if you needed viagra after that...it's safe to say your shit aint working! And a thousand mad sophists? What a porn film that would make.
3 - Public Beatings
Anyone singing a Shannon Nol or Justin Timberlake song will be publicly beaten with a modified cricket bat. The only modification will that it will be made out of razor blades. Beatings may also be received for being caught doing any of the following:
Saying "Oh my god!" in public
Watching any movie with Ellen in it (including finding nemo)
Pretending to be black, when you're a white boy from Plymouth
People going to Art Galleries, just to be seen
Any man drinking girly alcohol like Vodka and Pineapple
Anyone that sais "I'm not gay, I'm a metrosexual"
2 - Moats
There will only be one house in my Perfect world, and it will be mine. But you can stay anytime providing you pass through my moron scanner. To ward of the asslickers there will be a big assed moat full of piranhas, sharks and crocodiles. Anyone who can swim through will automatically be invited in and exhalted to the regal position of "Bartender."
Even in this world.. the not perfect one, I'd still like a moat. The local council might not like it, but they'll have to swim across it to serve me with a demolition notice.
Further to the moat, my house will have Gothic arched windows, ghosts and the score from the movie Requiem for a Dream playing on continuous loop. My Doctor sais I am "special."
1 - Free Parties with alcohol and cigars
One thing I hate is clubbing. You get disease ridden whores rubbing their crutches up against braindead moron guys with techno playing out of their speakers and a cock so hard you could drill for oil with it. Sweating and rubbing and disease spreading may sound like a well choreographed porn film, but in reality it is a bucket of filth and vomit, mixed with a cows placenta.
I prefer parties. You can invite whoever you like, leave it open invite or strictly
invitation only. People who get gate crashed are pussies. If you can beat people up trying to enter your shindig.. your house deserves to be trashed. My perfect party would have people drinking 100 year old spirits out of french oak barrels. A team of cuban slaves making cigars, and their hot daughters pouring drinks. There would be a breathalyser and anyone under .25 would be ejected from the party for pretending to be drunk. ( I hate those charlatans)
There would also be some 80 year old we kidnapped tied to a chair. We'd force them to watch us bathing in sin. Just because they need to get over "cursing" and fearing satan.
In conclusion, this might not be your perfect world.. but it sure as hell is mine. As soon as I finish this I will have forgotten to add an extra 20 things, but I'm satisfied that the foundations are all in place.
So that's what it would be like to live in my perfect world. Any takers?
Comments? Email me