Boring people in Newcastle take little poofy lunch breaks at swanky coffee shops and blabber on about how much better they are than everyone else. They sit around pretending they're content with their uninteresting and pointless existence.
Sophists and all round cool people (me) go and take their nefarious intentions to the nearest maniacal institution and make fun of it. I am of course talking about this big fucking thing:
This thing was built back when people thought that the more money you spend on a place of worship, the greater the chance of getting you ass in the front row of heaven. If you can side step the moral issues such as the cost of building it would feed an entire 3rd world nation, you'll notice it is actually quite stunning. Having been there once to check it out, I decided to return now that I was familiar with the terrain.
I am a fan of Gothic architecture (don't judge me) and I thought it would be cool to check it out. I joked to someone that I wanted to buy a T-shirt from the gift shop and a hotdog, to my surprise. there was in fact a gift shop selling little jesus'.
Inside it totally kicked ass and the walls were covered in religious shit I didn't understand. One wall seemed to have pictures of death all over it and I liked that a lot.
The first time I went there I moon walked on the marble floor and gave the bird to some statue of a Saint. But this time I wanted more.
I went with a religious guy I knew, who is a crazy born again. He doesn't like me mocking jesus so I thought I'd torture him... my influence eventually rubbed off.
We found out that you can actually get to the top tower for a $3 donation. I bargained with the caretakers about a two for the price of one deal, but Anglicans are damn crafty and I had nothing.
I reluctantly acquiesced and surrendered my $3 just because the top looked so high. We get lead to this freaky staircase that looked like it belonged in the lord of the rings.
On the way to and from the staircase, I cupped a bit of holy water in my hands
and drank it without the caretaker noticing. It tasted like shit.
The staircase was no more than 6'5' high and no wider than your shoulders. It spiraled up viciously and resonated with my "Where'd you learn to drive, circle-ville?" joke perfectly. Once we got out of the dungeon looking stair case, we emerged in a little room that looked like a gym. There were ropes all through it and it didn't take me long to figure out that they were for the bells. I barely resisted the temptation to ring the hell out of them, but I have more plans for the church and I don't want to be kicked out just yet.
While we were there, Jesus hanged me...
but I came back to life and threatened to beat him up, he wanted no part of it.
There was a tiny metal staircase on the other side of the room. Once you climbed up it, you could see it was the actual path right up the top. It was a long way from the next room where the bells are to the actual top. The staircase looked as stable as a fat chicks self esteem. My companion Born-Again had to make 4 attempts at climbing it as the bastard was shit scared of heights.
Eventually the noodle armed choir boy made it up and took a few pictures up the top.
He took a movie, which you won't see here:
I think I said "Man has conquered Jesus" then "Anything you can build jesus, we can climb it."
I felt like Yalping from the top, like Robin Williams sais in the dead poets society. It was an outstanding achievement.
Being on top of the King of all churches, I of course had to defame it by screaming out satan to passes by. I also heckled "Pop a tit out" in the most romantic way possible to pedestrians.
After bathing in my own magnificence, dripping in sweat wearing a suit and tie.. I decided to head back down.
Once we got in the huge assed main cathedral area, I spotted a wheelchair next to one of the rows of seats. It was kind of like handing matches to a pyromaniac. I immediately set it up and sat in it ready to cruise. It took me a while to work out that the brakes were on but after that, I was cruising around like mad. Always wanting to push things to the extreme, I had Born Again film me doing two wheel freestyle wheelchair action right in the middle of the church near the altar.
For those of you slow in the back, I was on two wheels in a wheel chair in the middle of this picture:
I was a marvelous sight, and I have no idea how nobody saw us as getting kicked out of a church is on my to do list. Here is the movie of me cruising around the church in the wheelchair.
The inaudible statement at the end was "That was for you Jesus."
After telling about 15 people this story, 14 of them said it was disrespectful. But shit, if a grown man doing wheelie's in a wheelchair upsets Anglicans, then they need to lighten up. I wet my pants laughing.
I'll leave you with a picture of me preaching the gospel of the sophist. Note the Adolf Hitler style visual presentation.
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