When it comes to national pride, Australians are about as secure as a soggy sheet of toilet paper. Examples of this can be found at will. Most recently the fact that everyone thinks we rule because we’ve got a Tasmanian in line for becoming a Queen of some country that most people honestly didn’t really give a shite about before. This issue is thoroughly covered by his highness the Mad Sophist. Our lack of a strong and clear self-image could be a possible explanation for El Jay’s gripes about how Australians somehow feel the need to steal everything good from NZ so we can feel good about ourselves i.e Russ Crowe (you can have him back now), Phar Lap, Sheep rooting, etc…(make sure you read his article) I could go on for a long, long time about the Olympics, the so-called ‘refugee crisis’, every Oscars ceremony with an Aussie nominated for an award and every war since Vietnam (R.I.P John Curtin), but that isn’t the main purpose of this article.
This article is dedicated to all of our foreign ambassadors, to every single one of you who have set foot in a country overseas, the unsung heroes and villains who are capable of making or breaking the outside world’s view on us all. Keep in mind the general theme of this fine website and that it is my full intention to make those of you who take this shit seriously squirm with discomfort every chance I can possibly get.

There are many Australians overseas. This is because there are many other places that are far more interesting and/or inexpensive. We have 50% profit tax to thank for that among many other things. Screw it, I’ll just say tax. If you don’t believe me just look at Pat Rafter- one of the few people to win Australian of the Year without actually living in Australia (he was in Bermuda, enjoying the LOW tax and lackage of tall poppy syndrome). He is however back in Australia with his kid and supremely hot wife. Bastard.

I was once told by a particularly cynical-sounding teacher of mine that Australia is no good because all its high-fliers leave since there is pretty much no future for anyone who has big plans, like Russel Crowe and Phar Lap. Oh wait! They’re New Zealanders. Am I being too harsh by saying no future? With a government that spent 6 times as much promoting the GST than on education in one year? A government that brags about its technological achievements despite providing next to no help to the actual scientists? A government that runs public hospitals that are too poor to perform cesareans? And to top it off, a country that America has dubbed ‘Mexico with mobile phones’? Nice. Not that we should give a stuff about what other countries think about us.

Anyway, back on topic, you’ve heard all of that before. The thing about most overseas people is that they’ve got no idea about anything in Australia. Most of them will know about a place called Sydney, that we have a big rock, big desert and a big reef. This is because most people don’t give a shit and we’re one of the most boring countries in existence right now, we’re about as fascinating as a Kelsey Grammar monologue. We contribute nothing to the world economy. We start no wars (which is very very good). We tell our tourists that we have Delta (I’m yet to meet a foreigner who has a clue who she is), Roos, Koalas and nice beaches. We’re too far away. Our national icon shouts ‘Crickey!’ Once when the premier of my state (dickhead) went to visit America they hung the New Zealand flag upside down and played the wrong national anthem. I can only assume that whoever was in charge of researching accomplished this fine feat through sheer lackage of careness factor. Just like when  the L.A Times called our Prime Minister John Hunt.

The fact that nobody knows anything about Australia gives us Aussies about as much room as we want to screw around with their heads and/or teach them about the sun blessed country. We usually start by telling them they sound like nimrods when they say Emu like Emoo and when they emphasize the ‘o’ in Melbourne, and then start teaching them lingo. What most of us tend to forget is that they really don’t care about Australia (or the animals for that matter), much like how we care about the downhome doggerel from some redneck confederates in the states. It’s just the fact that they know so little about you that makes you mysterious and by default, a bit interesting as a minimum. I suppose a lot of you are wondering what people actually think about these ambassadors of ours. Having spent close to 14 years of my short short life overseas I feel that I am qualified to write about this.
So far we have done a respectable job, we’re generally seen as friendly, funny, adventurous, incredible partiers/drinkers with cute accents, laid back attitudes, big dicks, are good at swimming and other sports and are hornier than Captain Kirk. The problem with this, like all generalizations, fails to encapsulate the full variety of people that travel overseas. The range is enormous, from stoners in India to slackers teaching English in miscellaneous Asian countries to confused people who go to England because they think it’s beautiful. Let’s save a special mention for those that want to go to America coz they think they can score some poon-tang by walking up to strangers in a bar and saying G’day. Simply touching on each major group is well beyond the reach of this article. Maybe some day I’ll write a guide to each different kind, that’s up to you dear reader.

So in the mean time you might ask what good we’re doing for our nation when we go overseas? Absolutely jack all. If you’re successful you’re telling them that it’s because you left Australia. If you’re a no-good bum it means that you’d rather waste away your life somewhere else. If you’re on holiday it’s because you’re sick of wrestling crocodiles and getting a tan over at a beach near Bumblefuck, or as we so proudly say, Whoop-Whoop. The only foreigners who get ‘convinced’ by us to pay a visit are ones that have already made the decision eons ago, but are so poorly motivated they haven’t gotten around to actually pulling their finger out and doing some research. Their reasons can be quite interesting or mind-numbingly boring- apparently many Koreans come to eat beef because it’s cheaper, the Japanese like the beaches, English want to see the commoners, the Americans like the weather (and the drinking age wink wink) and the Chinese love it because, to the best of their knowledge, our government seems to have some slither of respect for the value of human life and civil rights. Obviously they didn’t hear about what we did to Japanese POW’s in WW2 (Hint: Ever seen The Great Escape?). The Europeans, on the other hand, absolutely love it because our women go completely bonkers over them, even the smelly ones.

The simple fact that we are different gives us overseas Aussies a number of skills that others consider quite useful. For example, the fact that we can speak real English makes us better English teachers than Germans, Russians, Zimbabweans and Americans. We are far more likely to have spent some time of our childhood doing such exotic things as swimming, playing cricket or footy and can get paid decent money to coach. One fine example of capitalizing on this is the enviable success of a pair of Aussies who have introduced the innovative Meat Pie concept to America and are making a killing. This is obviously not applicable in many places such as England or New Zealand, who just hate us and want us all to die a horrible death, preferably leaving all the hot bitches behind, of which we are in no short supply compared to them. Except maybe New Zealand. Lucky bastards.
What I’m saying is that if you are ever planning on going overseas I want you to take full advantage of what has been laid out for you- your life will have been made easier from the hard work of others before you. Don’t screw it up. And while you’re at it, try to rectify our reputation for being lousy and uncreative in bed. Don’t ask me how that came about, it sure as hell wasn’t me.

Australia is a beautiful country full of wonderful individuals who should all be proud of what we’ve become. The fact that we don’t have that much interesting stuff or history might make us boring as a place but in a way has also forced us as people to develop actual personalities, a rare humility and social skills along with a desire to explore and experience. But who wants to read about that on a website full of cynical biatches?

In the unlikely incident of a technical inaccuracy or the far more probable event of a desire for you to bitch, don’t hesitate to email me at mathems@madsophist.com I also apologize if this rather verbose article isn’t funny, people never laugh when I say this stuff out loud and I’m not sure how it differs when written down. Depending on how this article does I might be writing ‘The complete Aussie’s guide to living in China’, as suggested by a few readers of my Beijing Biatch Bulletin. Let me know your thoughts.

- By Mathems

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