Oakvale farm is this little farm just outside Newcastle where shitty little kids go to see baby farm animals. Having grown up on a farm, this seemed about as exciting to me as experimental scrotum surgery. My friends assured me that it was a hoot, and I was only going to be sitting on my ass anyway, so I thought torturing baby animals had its perks.

I recently went to a Doctor and he said I suffered from anhedonia. It's so funny a diagnosis I have to give you the dictionary definition:

"The absence of pleasure or the ability to experience it."

or; Absence of pleasure from the performance of acts that would normally be pleasurable.

I guess when the Doctor said this, he meant Oakvale farm. When I first arrived, I was unable to enjoy anything about it...... so instincts took over:

Taking to baby goats with nefarious intentions was discouraged amongst the parents who stood by shielding their children from my grotesque display of violence. So I decided I'd try curb my behaviour and actually try being nice to some animals. See picture:

My face was hidden in order to protect the goats identity. If his keepers see him socialising with me, he'll never bleat in this town again. So many animals, so little time. It was on to the camel section where I was attacked. Later this week I'll be visiting this camel with some mates and a baseball bat. The bastard tried to bite me:

It was so windy that my face blew off, it didn't seem to mind the camel. After the camel I went looking for something scary, sadly the only thing I could find was SATAN THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS HIMSELF!

I've never seen an emu, or anything for that matter.. with more satan in its eyes. It was love at first sight. Look at those eyes. Those bastards were a menace as well, pecking morons at will... it was genius.

After the Emu exhibit, I saw the cage full of Gallahs (a pink and grey bird that feeds of grain and seed. ) On the outside of the cage was a Gallah minding its own business eating a bit of weed. I thought it was a cute looking thing and decided I'd feed if from my 50 cent bag of pellets they sold at the gate.

Knowing all to well of the chomping power of a Gallahs beak.. I dug my fingers into the ground so as to offer it a flat palm to eat from. That way I was sure he couldn't bite me. The bird approached me in the way you'd expect the Dalai Lama to approach you. Calmly, full of welcome.. love and compassion. He walked slowly towards me and then without warning.. sprinted towards me at the speed of light and sunk his beak into my palm. The little fucker had all my friends in stitches laughing as I pulled my hand away in horror. He took of a bit of skin and I mumbled obscenities under my breath as we moved on.

The next area was full of furry little baby critters being harassed by little kids. The little bags of food that everyone had were being stuffed down the animals gobs and many of them looked too full and sickly to even get up. There was one however, that couldn't get enough. It was there I think I found my real parents:

My photoshop skills have you in awe I bet.

When I first entered the place, I was greeted by a goat who I affectionately named "Goat." He was into every bit of food he could get his hoofs on. I noticed there was an eating area at the front with a few sleepy Kangaroos in it and the odd sheep. For some reason, everyone that went in and out the gate made sure that goat was kept on the one side. Curious as to why Goat was denied entry, I coaxed him inside with exclusive access to my bag of animal pellets. This spawned the following picture which is a half tribute half rip off of tucker max:

So Goat was obviously in the area so many people were trying to stop him from entering. After he ate all my food, I understood why. He was up on tables eating peoples lunches, he was chasing kids around eating all their food making them cry.... IT WAS FANTASTIC. I felt like a pyromaniac standing by a blazing tribute to my achievement with a giant hard-on of appreciation. In the end, goat was dragged by his horns out of the area by some snooty bitch with a half goat eaten sand which. I laughed my guts up.

I think I may be changing Doctors sometime soon as I did quite enjoy being attacked by a Gallah... if I was a Gallah, I could only hope to be as much of an asshole. I also enjoyed watching Goat terrorize the place. Just before you start thinking I've gone soft.. let me just say I have always had a deep rooted instinct to destroy anything beautiful. Bowling greens, golf courses.... I'll leave you with this:

Warining * Some goats were harmed in the making of this story.

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