Once upon a time I decided it would be great to hold a metal shovel in a lightning storm whilst standing in water... the story begins:

I ring up mozza one day and request his presence at my house along with a towel. It has long been a dream of mine to put temporary environmental vandalism to good use. The idea resides around a sand island in a local channel that is fed by the pacific ocean. The sand Island is subject to the tide and only actually exists for 8 odd hours a day, the rest of the time it is underwater This island is able to be viewed by elevated passing motorists on the bridge crossing the channel which is a relatively busy highway. The island is accessible by means of a short swim. Here's a picture of what the island looks like.

So during one of my brilliant cogitative trances I decide that the island would look fantastic sporting a huge 3d penis made of sand, accompanied by the words MAD SOPHIST.COM. This is where mozza comes in. Somehow I convince him it's the best idea since sliced bread and we throw two shovels and a digital camera in the back of my car.

We wade through mangroves to get to the waters edge and agree it's not as warm as it was 10 minutes ago. Dipping our toes in the water mozza begins to devise elaborate plans in his head on how he could kill me and pretend it was an accident. So I jump in and begin swimming across this small stretch of water. I have a shovel in one hand so I am only able to do some retarded form of dog paddle. The current is threatening to take me to new zealand but I manage to avoid drowning even though the shovel I am holding is metal and really wants to drag me to the bottom and drown me. Mozza's shovel is mostly wood so he has an easier time, but still wants to kill me.

The expedition was not entirely unplanned. I had been thinking about it for some time. Here is a half assed sketch of the plan.

I even had excuses ready to present to law enforcement figures and escape plans.I thought they would accept a number of excuses like:

I lost my keys or airfares to china are too expensive for me to visit my sick grandmother.

The escape plan consisted of: drop shovels, push over mozza, run, swim, run and then hide.

Mozza was keen to get to work on a giant wang but I assured him that if we wrote mad sophist.com first then we'd be less likely to arouse the police or coast guard and we could make the johnson just before we leave.

I drew the outline then began to shovel sand along the lines so as the letters would be a hump of sand that was visible from the road. Mozza was chief sculptor and got to work while he muttered to himself about how much he wanted to maim me.

The going was tough and it appeared as though it was to be an illegible flop, and our first instincts were not far from the truth. Still I was too stubborn to leave.

Menacing clouds rolled in and soon we found ourselves in the middle of a storm. Some aboriginal people came to the edge of the channel looking for crabs or something and they looked at us with much suspicion. Not wanting to get our shit boomeranged we responded politely to their requests for answers to questions such as "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

We managed to finish the MAD SOPHIST but somehow the tide tricked us and was racing towards our artwork at a discerning pace.

Mozza was not too keen about being hit by lightning but I assured him that if he did, we'd definitely get on tv and this moronic attempt at advertising would pay off. I was holding a metal shovel standing in water at the time so I don't think I commanded the respect owing to a fully sane person.

Lightning stuck the ground somewhere in the distance and we later found out it blacked out the traffic lights. The letters were not as good as I had hoped but the tide was coming and it just started to rain.

The rain pelted down and we had to abandon the 3d penis so we could race to the bridge in the car and see if it warranted a photograph before it all washed away. I insisted upon drawing a giant 2d penis complete with sporadic pubic hairs on badly proportioned testicles. So we swam back with the shovels and got to the bank. Mozza was having a small asthma attack when we got there so I did what any friend would do. I asked him to wait there till it passed and then bring the shovels up to the road. He was notably impressed and grunted. I took it as a yes and sprinted my way to the car. I parked in the middle of a traffic island and raced to the side of the road with my camera then erupted in laughter. The writing looked like something a 4 year old with a.d.d would create and the penis was totally invisible.

Mozza was not as amused as me when he got there. The writing was visible only if you knew what it was supposed to say, had 20/20 vision and weren't driving past in a car.

Here's a picture of the finished product... with the writing blown up a little.. as my camera didn't do it justice.

If you squint, you can make out the words MAD SOPHIST

So it was a complete success (sarcasm). I've probably never spent a less productive two hours of back breaking labor in my life.

Still, I shall not rest .... stay tuned for the next attempt. We learned many things from this expedition. Mostly that we should probably get a job but secondly that is can be done .. given a new sketch and plan of attack. Here's a picture of MOZZA with shovels in hand, ready to hack my head off with them.

I also have more plans to spread the MAD SOPHIST.COM empire via life threatining advertising and if you have any ideas please email me. Alternatively I urge you to help the cause by doing something equally idiotic. Send in a pic with mad sophist.com advertised in a bizarre way and I'll stick it up on the site.

Oh and if you're the police.... I made this story up.

Comments? Email me