I have a friend who you'll see in the Your Say section called Little Miss M. She lives in England where she was born but her family came from Pakistan.
She respects her heritage and routinely enjoys assaulting peoples faces with potato mashers because they think Pakistan is just India with a different name.
She was contacted online randomly by a girl who is about to marry and wanted to ask her about sex. Upon hearing this I got more wood than a Golf Course Pro Shop as if there's one thing I can spot, it's the opportunity for hilarious Tom Foolery.
It took an hour of convincing Miss M that I could be sensible and informative without being tempted to mislead the girl.. perhaps by telling her that Sex can only make you pregnant if you do it in the bottom.
I finally got a conversation started with this girl and Introduced myself as Steve. Miss M had told me she was asking all manners of explicit questions so I was keen to get that happening. I said I was a friend and here to help. She kicked off a little but didn't warm to me.. then she spouted
"I don't talk this freely with boys." I sighed.... fearing all was lost.
I had a plan... it was simple, much like my uncle Dave.. only this plan might work.
I decided that the only way to abuse this opportunity was to convince the girl I was a woman. You might think it's impossible since I introduced myself as Steve.. but hey, I AM a Sophist.
I re-introduced myself as Sharon.. saying I was nervous about giving her my real name. She wasn't buying it though. She required picture evidence, so I found a picture of.. get this ...... A WOMAN on google. This didn't quench her thirst though.
She said "Ok prove it, tell me something only a woman would know!"
My heart sank, I make it my business not to know all the gruesome ins and outs of a woman's body. I took a deep breath and pulled a rabbit out of my ass. I said something about periods that I must have heard from tv. She wanted me to tell her what "happened" during a period.
I tried to avoid falling off my chair from laughter and tried to be more specific than
"uh blood comes out."
I was, but only just.. I said:
"It doesn't come out like a Tap like boys think, and it doesn't ALWAYS make you cranky... oh and it hurts just below where you keep your guts."
Apparently that was enough to prove I did indeed have a vagina. God knows how.
The conversation took off from there and I discovered I knew more about her body than she did. For the record, that is a bad bad thing. I was sure she didn't know where the guy was going to put it, didn't know how you get pregnant or how to avoid it. She also asked what guys "like." I was soo good at that she called me a slut, then apologized. I guess I got caught up in the moment.
After I had answered all her 1,000 questions, I added that "men like to have their scrotums pulled and bitten hard", just to piss off the Pakistani guy she was marrying. I am an A grade asshole.
She then was searching to talk to me every day and became obsessed with obtaining mine and Miss Ms' naked pictures. I told her she was a lesbian and that she should lick carpet elsewhere.
The whole experience, while terribly amusing.. was very shocking. She would have probably tried to put a wang in her ear, or be pregnant with twins the day after.
Miss M said that this is apparently the norm. The only abnormal thing was that girls NEVER ask questions about it.
So I am going to write to the Pakistani minister for Health.. if they have one. I might hint that their sex education.. if it even exists, is as effective as petrol is at putting out a fire.
If I get a response.. I'll put it here for you to read. Until then, if you have sex with a
Pakistani, check to see where they put it.
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