I ambled into a bookstore the other day, dodged the Harry Potter psychos and found myself in what I call the "dark side" of this bookstore. On one side I had the "Self Help" section.
A place where apparently Feng Shui books are helpful and Dr Phil collects as much money from middle class whining women as the kilos of fat liposuctioned from their asses every year.

That's not the worst of it... on the other side is the biography section. Packed with a sea of familiar faces that you've forgotten for a very good reason. There's ex celebrities from every background imaginable. Cricketers, footballers, politicians, actors and adventurers. Anybody who's soo nobody that they have to remind people that they're still alive. I mean really... what could a sports person like Cathy Freeman for example have to offer loyal readers? When she speaks it's as enjoyable as a prostate exam administered by a man with baseball gloves for hands.

It really is the end of the road, it's a desperate tactic. They say "Hi, I've snorted up all my money, I missed it when the world kissed my ass. I want to remind you of things I did a while ago when people gave a shit in the desperate hope you might again. I'll be screwed if I can figure out how to fill all these bloody pages, but I guess I can resort to 300 pages of childhood anecdotes.... oh and hire someone smarter than I am to do it for me so they can say I'm wonderful without quoting me."

I would love to change the titles of a few biographies.

How about:

Nothing Is Impossible : Reflections on a New Life
by CHRISTOPHER REEVE

To:

Walking is Impossible: Just as impossible as enjoying hearing about me falling off a horse then suddenly wanting to give money to charities.
by CHRISTOPHER REEVE

Or:

Hemingway: A Life Without Consequences

to:

Hemingway: A Life Without TV

perhaps:

Mary-Kate & Ashley: Our Story--

to:

Mary-Kate & Ashley: Our Money, your disgust

then of course:

Father Joe: The Man Who Saved My Soul

to:

Father Joe: The Man Who Molested Your Children

and last but not least:

First in His Class: A Biography of Bill Clinton
by David Maraniss

to maybe:

Fist full of ass: A Biography of Bill Pimpin'
by David Maraniss

I searched these in amazon and found over 209,000 others. So do your best to see through this epidemic, the important people you already know everything about. We need more biographies like female piranhas need nipples

For a special treat, I've decided to give you an insight into what my Biography would look like if I was in fact once upon a time a celebrity and then blew it all for being a boring moron.

Comments? Email me