If you're hearing about undie man for the first time I urge you to read this introduction. Otherwise, read on for episode one.

Episode One

After what seemed like months of planning, Undie man and I left for our first of 3 destinations. It was probably the more dreaded of the three locations as it was to be a mall equipped with security guards, about 4,000 people and very few quick exits. We also had to park in the car park, which would make our escape as speedy as a slug on acid. We arrived at around 11am on the 21st of August. The first order of the day was for undie man to minimize his attire so he could strip off with relative ease. All unnecessary items were jettisoned and we made for the lift. I adorned a backpack with emergency clothing inside, as well as a digital camera and note taking recorder. Undie man insisted that he needed to have a slash which spawned one of the most disturbing conversations I'd been in to date:

- Even though undie man was to be walking around in his underpants, he was very particular about being presentable, which sounded impossible. However, he warned me that after he went to the toilet, there may be evidence of post slash dribble on his bright blue underpants. His plan was to construct a small toilet paper square and insert it in the front of his undie's to catch any kind of unwanted leakage. It took me the the scariest of visual places let me assure you.

Luckily he was confident enough on his urethra skills and we moved on. After the toilet, we headed back to the lift trying to get one to ourselves so Undie man could strip, or "de-robe" as he called it. We jumped into one and took it to the roof, and undie man prepared to tear off his clothes and stuff them into my backpack. After which we'd pretend not to notice each other and I'd follow him discretely taking pictures. We decided that while confident about our heterosexuality, someone opening the lift door to see him half naked alone in a lift with me might no be so convinced that we weren't George Michael Fans. So we did what any aspiring homosexuals would do, we took it into the toilet. Before I could say, "look, there's a free cubicle" undie man was stripped down to nothing but a hat, bright blue underpants and a pair of white sneakers... frantically stuffing his clothes into my backpack.

Undie man then insisted I check his underpants to see that they were perfectly presentable. To my horror I discovered a darker blue patch in the general ass crack area. Undie man explained that it was merely sweat but insisted that he not leave until it was gone. He turned on the automatic hand drying machine and trust his anus towards it to dry up the problem. Standing in a public toilet while a man thrusts his undie clad pelvis up and down at a hand drying machine was not my idea of fun, so I left to find a seat where I could gauge the reactions as he emerged into the crowd.

As soon as I left and found a seat, a guy entered the toilet. I was certain that he would find undie man as perverse as I did and beat the snot out of him. So I did what any moral person would do... I got the camera ready. I did decide that after 4 minutes I would have to go and drag his corpse out of there.

Undie man emerged unscathed and proceeded to walk along to the shock of all shoppers that came across him. He handed out pamphlets to those few that were not scared to approach him. It's interesting to watch what a person does when the see something strange or unusual. The first thing they do is go into shock and just stare with mouth open with no other bodily function available to them. Next their brain classifies it, is it unusual rare, strange, dangerous, perverted, funny? Mostly, they found it to be all of the above. Before long people were pointing and laughing and it was going down well.

I followed behind and spotted a security guard who was talking to a lady. I made sure I was in his vicinity to gauge what kind of response he would make as I was worried it would be violent. The lady he was nattering with paused, pointed at Undie man and then urinated herself with laughter. Security man was less impressed and walked swiftly over to undie man. I hid being a pole knowing that it was a golden photo opportunity, and if I was caught taking a photo.. the camera might be confiscated. Of course, the camera messed up and I missed the whole thing. I was satisfied enough to watch it take place anyway. Apparently you need to take a shirt to Shop at this mall, and handing out pamphlets was prohibited. Undie man spent probably a grand total of 120 seconds inside the complex.. but we weren't deterred. We left for the next destination.

Here is a picture of Undie man in the mall as we were leaving, he had a less than impressed look on his face due to security. I think he was also humming "Calm like bomb" in his head.

Episode Two

The second destination was the highly populated Beaumont street in Newcastle. It is the place to be seen for the upwardly mobile and the king of the strip coffee shops and specialized dining. I gave Undie man a lap down the street to know what he'd be up against. The street was packed and would surely be a brilliant stage for our performance.

I had made undie man cover his genital area with a shirt as we drove around, I did it for two reasons. I didn't want to give the game away early, and the day was turning out to be the closest to gay I had ever come... staring at his crotch was neither pleasant or good for my reputation. I parked the car down the quiet end of the street and jumped out ahead of him to get a vantage point on him emerging onto the street. He burst out of the car door and had to stop right at a ridiculously busy set of traffic lights. He pressed the button and waited patiently as though everything was normal. I laughed as I watched people hanging out of their cars jeering and laughing to the backdrop of honking horns. Undie man stuck to his quiet and purposeful demeanor except for acknowledging the car horns directed at him... he gestured back with some kind of "rock on" heavy metal symbol.

He finally got to crossing the road and decided to change sides, so again he stood near the traffic as they fell about in their cars laughing at him. I think he was enjoying it that much he wanted every excuse to stay near the traffic.
Undie man finally got to walking down the strip of shops and cafes as I followed on the other side of the road gauging the responses from the pedestrian traffic nearby. The feeling I got was much different to the one undie man got himself. Those people he met kind of avoided eye contact and smiled to themselves.

Once they passed him they broke out into laugher pointing at him. I was able to walk behind him and there was a distinct wake that he left behind him.

Here is a very poor photo of him walking along the street.

The coffee shops were alive with conjecture about why the hell there was a man in his undie's walking down the street handing out pamphlets. Wolf whistles and words of encouragement came from all directions. The very few people that had received pamphlets from undie man were stopped in the street with enquires as to what they said. It was how we had planned it, strangers embracing each other. One guy driving past wound down a window and said to a complete stranger, "You know who that is don't you?" I listened intently for what I thought would be an hilarious answer. He said "It's advertising for the Newcastle Permanent!" That is a bank we have in Newcastle that to my knowledge has never considered using a man in his undie's as an advertising tool.

The general consensus was that tautologies are everywhere, and that undie man was the best thing to ever grace the streets of Newcastle. It was all about having a laugh, and laugh people did. One lady asked undie man to Say hello to her grandma who was sitting in the front seat of her car parked on the street. Undie man popped his head in and she told him it was wonderful and that he looked fabulous, in the best yorkshire accent he said he's ever heard. Undie man even got chatting with some guy who writes a men's health mailing list and gave him his card.. the guy emailed me afterwards thinking that undie man was actually yours truly (Mad Sophist.) He is interested on writing a story on Undie man and Mad Sophist.com for his newsletter. We're going to meet for drinks to discuss it sometime...More on that later.

I was also privileged to be lingering around a diner when one of the patrons was insisting to everyone that undie man was promoting a web site on gay porn, sadly.. it didn't appear too far from the truth.

Undie man was kind of like a politician, patting dogs, chatting with common folk whilst publicly disgracing himself.
Beaumont street gave the best vibe and undie man had a ball, the people loved it and there was no security to ruin the fun. After a lap down each side of the street we sped off in high spirits to our next destination.

Episode Three

The next stop was Darby street in newcastle. We had hoped it would be a similar story to Beaumont street as the setup is quite similar. Unfortunately there weren't as many al fresco dining areas where we seemed to receive the best responses. Still we thought that the locals deserved a show. We parked in a quiet spot and undie man tore off down the street. The usual lag time for people to realize what was happening subsided and people pointed and laughed as that stared intensely. There were a lot of 18-24 good looking women sauntering about and undie man took a liking to them. Most of his pamphlets went to these girls as they accepted all shy and embarrassed. One guy asked if he was being paid to do it and undie man responded with pride that he was indeed mad enough to do it for nothing. Undie man cares not for material possessions, and his services to mankind are paid by his positive responses. I received one email from a lady that witnessed the event in Darby street, this was what she said, along with my reply.

I had feared that the escapade might come of with a pedophilic undertone, but luckily people saw it for what it was.

And that was darby street: Seen below.

The Making of The Undie Man trilogy.

In conclusion, the escapade was a brilliant success and I think the people that saw it will be better off for it. Maybe we have inspired them to de robe in public.

Once we got back to my house we sat on the deck with a beer in hand, basking in our sense of achievement. We had put our endeavor up there with Mother Teresa and Nelson Mandella.. only to take it down once we thought a little harder about comparisons. Still, our mission was to inspire laughter and sense of priorities to those who don't have time to laugh at themselves. I think we succeeded.

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