Click here for Weirdos in China Part 1
If you think I’m going to try to explain the whole Chinese culture in a tiny article you wouldn’t be too far off in most other circumstances, but I’ll just say what is most directly relevant for now.
The Chinese are very, very strange. Avoid them at all costs. If one of them comes up to talk to you should push them over and run like the Dickens, trying not to scream too loudly... Except when they offer to pay for dinner (assuming you are prepared to sit down for a meal with one) Take careful note that it’s considered quite impolite to not insist at least 2 or 3 times on paying… they will always insist back. Then just let them pay it, it’ll make them happy. The sneaky bastards have been known to lie about going to the bathroom and in fact will be off paying the bloody bill. This is a very nice change to the most other environments where foreigners have to pay what I call numbskull tax because they get duped into paying much more money than they should.
The women are definitely quite bearable, I actually enjoy hanging out with a lot of them. Just watch out for the ones that hang out at dance clubs. If they are single there is a good chance that they are outright skanks and are not worth the time and effort (or lack thereof) unless you are into that sort of thing. You can spot them a mile away on the dance floor because their necks are about as limp as a penis in a retirement home, their feet don’t actually move and are quite hard to get confused with Koreans and Japanese, who are in fact usually quite a bit hotter. Keep in mind, at the larger dance clubs they usually have more than 200 prostitutes inside at any given time.
Sometimes you will be surprised by the connections that some of these girls have. The dude that lives opposite me in my dorm was seeing a ho with gangster connections. Although I can’t offer my personal guarantee that they all are, one must be curious about people who wear normal clothes, don’t have a job and drive top of the line luxury cars and say they ‘do business’. The general rule is to just be cool. If you’re friends with them they take you to the best clubs, get the best things and you rarely have to pay for anything- this is China. Except if you piss them off you’re dead.
One of the big things about the dating scene here is that there are a lot more men than women- so the women have a lot of power. A lot of the time when you see a couple you can tell from a mile away that the man is mere putty in her hands and will follow her around like the obedient Chihuahuas that they are. We are the only people usually capable of reversing this- just say that you’re an American. To these women it automatically means you are rich, mysterious and very attractive, plus it helps them to live out their fantasy of being swept off their feet by someone from a far off land and being taken away to a better life in the States… just don’t call them the next day and you’re fine as long as you don’t fall victim to the widespread AIDS problem afflicting China as I type this article and for many years to come. The whole casual bonking thing has been done without even speaking, I’ve seen it happen. Personally I find this practice disgustingly arrogant, dirty and disrespectful but if it’s your thing then go for your life.
Oh, and ladies, my advice is to not try it the other way around, their penises are so small it’s cruel and tragically hilarious- my thumb would laugh at most of these guys. If I could think of the most useless thing to buy in China it’s a condom, or as my Canadian friend calls them, finger-doms. I’ve heard reports of women actually not being able to see the penis through all the pubic hair.
Enjoy the mental image people. Oh, and if you are an ethnic Chinese and feel the need to send me some proof don’t, I’ll take your word for it.
-by Mathems
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