By Wheel

I am fortunate/unfortunate enough to live extremely close to a Mormon
church. I say unfortunate because you don’t get out of the damn driveway
on Sundays, and I say fortunate because we are rarely visited by the
dreaded Jehovah’s witnesses, nor are we visited by Mormons hawking their
religion. I have a few theories on this, and some of the “facts”
supplied by one of my Mormon friends.

Theory Number One: Jehovah’s Witnesses think Mormons worship Satan and
therefore try to stay away from the Mormon churches. This could very
well be true since Jehovah’s witnesses are gullible. Either way it’s a
win-win situation for me.

Theory Number Two: Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses are akin to warring
gangs. This could be a situation if it proves to be true, because I’m at
ground zero, but hey, seeing Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses going at
each other with mac-10s and TMPs would be pretty funny, till I find a
bullet lodged in my gut.

Theory Number Three: The Mormons think that I’m one of them because I
live so close to their church and the Jehovah’s also think I’m a Mormon,
so neither group bothers me; once again it’s a win-win situation.

Theory Number Four: Mormons fear me just as the Jehovah’s Witnesses do.
They think that I’m either a.) Satan b.) A possessed soul c.) A demon
d.) They think that I’m of the other group (Mormons think I’m a Jehovah,
and visa versa) or e.) All of the above

Theory Number Five: The Mormons and Jehovah’s alike are afraid that me
and my massive sex appeal will attract their wives. Yes, I know, I’m
such a sexy beast that this is the real reason why none of the two groups
bother me.

Theory Number Six: Both religious groups fear that their wives will come
running to me when they knock on my door because when I answer it the
women/girls will see the massive bulge in my pants that is my penis. They’re
afraid that their women won’t be able to keep their hands off of me
(this sort of goes with theory five, but to hell with you).

Theory Number Seven: The Mormons and Jehovah’s are afraid that I will
take most of their members and lead them into a cult in which I take all
their property and force them to work for no money and low quality food
because they worship me.

Theory Number Eight: Both the Mormons and Jehovah’s know that if they
give me a bible I’ll use it as kindling; it works just as well as
newspaper, but I actually read the paper.

Theory Number Nine: Both the Mormons and Jehovah’s fear me because they
know that I am in fact a god, proving their entire religion wrong, and
this would cause their disciples to disperse since then the dispels
would know that preachers spew loads of Bullshit while taking their money.

Theory Number Ten: Both Mormon recruiters and Jehovah recruiters know
that if I were to ever attended their sermons that I would kindly show
everyone the hypocrisies of the bible, and how high on crack Joseph
Smith was when he came up with the Mormon bible thing.

Theory Number Eleven: I’m running out of theories here, but I’ll keep on
trying to think them up before I’m shot for my blasphemy. Both the Morms
(Mormons) and Jehovs (Jehovah’s Witnesses, because I’m tired of writing
out the names) are afraid that I’ll introduce their congregations to the
wonders of atheism. Mainly being able to take any day off and call it a
religious holiday (Just try to coincide with actual religious holidays,
no matter how old it may be, and be creative! Say you’re paying tribute
to Thor with a human sacrifice, because that would scare the crap out of
everyone so they won’t bother you any more with their stupid questions).

Theory Number Twelve: Morms and Jehovs are afraid of me. I can’t explain
it, they just are. It’s some kind of phenomenon. They seem to have a
phobia centering around me. That’s fine with me though, because they
don’t bug me with their crappy bibles.

Theory Number Thirteen: Morms and Jehovs are afraid of me corrupting
their congregations with either a.) Coffee b.) Alcohol c.) Porn or d.)
All of the above.

Theory Number Fourteen: Morms and Jehovs are afraid that I’ll conjure
demons to posses their souls.

I’m out of ideas, as you can see with Theory Fourteen.

Comments? Email me